36 And some days after Paul said unto Barnabas, Let us go again and visit our brethren in every city where we have preached the word of the Lord, and see how they do. 37 And Barnabas determined to take with them John, whose surname was Mark. 38 But Paul thought not good to take him with them, who departed from them from Pamphylia, and went not with them to the work. 39 And the contention was so sharp between them, that they departed asunder one from the other: and so Barnabas took Mark, and sailed unto Cyprus; 40 And Paul chose Silas, and departed, being recommended by the brethren unto the grace of God.
Can you imagine the tension as Paul told John Mark that he was not invited on the journey?
Can you sense the tension the next time the two men we together?
Were the two of them able to resolve the conflict by themselves? Or were others involved in mediating it?
Can you sense the celebration that was there as they sat together toward the end of Paul’s life?
They grew through conflict. They saw the opportunity for growth and took it.
We need to imagine grace of God’s presence than will produce harmony, even at the point of greatest conflict.
1 TIMOTHY 2:5-6
5 For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus;
6 Who gave himself a ransom for all, to be testified in due time.
Strong’s # 3316 is Mesites mediator 1) one who intervenes between two, either in order to make or restore peace and friendship, or form a compact, or for ratifying a covenant
The simplest translation of the word mediator is “in the middle.”
Negotiating for our emotional, mental, & physical needs.
Negotiate in a patient & kind manner.
State your requests honestly, fully, and without apology.
You have feelings and needs, and you have a right to share your feelings and ask for your needs & wants to be met.
You should expect your feelings to be acknowledged.
You may or may not get your wants met. Your needs should be met, but a discussion may be held as to whether they are truly needs or simply wants.
The spectrum between needs and wants is wide and subject to individual interpretation.
The frequency and manner of meeting needs and wants is the heart of the process of negotiation.
Make requests, rather than demands. Requests embody and demonstrate the posture of asking for a gift, rather than taking property.
Speak in terms of personal expression such as, "I need" this, and "I feel" you are doing that.
Body language and tone must likewise indicate that my statements are simply "my requests" and "my feelings" rather than covert demands with consequences such as withdrawal of love or passive aggressive retaliation.
Realize that each person may have a different concept of what produces a noxious mental, physical, or emotional experience. Thus, what one person finds to be intolerable behavior, another might considered acceptable or desirable by another.
It is necessary for couples to come to an understanding and acceptance of their partner’s profile of pain producing stimuli.
Recognize that another person’s behavior is actually an experience outside one’s self. As such it does not intimately and necessarily affect me. Just separate from it, let it be, and see the behavior as an uninvolved observer, not as a participant.
Another method of coping with annoying habits is to simply appreciate that annoying behavior as a different expression of life, and view it as unique, special, cute, or something your mate does that makes him/her different from all the rest.
When there is an impasse in negotiation because of mutually exclusive needs, a separation of territory in a certain area of the marriage may make it possible to continue in relationship.
When unacceptable behavior is continued, and the offender has no willingness to change, then the offended party may unilaterally implement actions which protect his/her space. Such actions are a message and consequence as much as they are a protective measure.
It may require divine rearrangement of some emotional neural connections to come to the state of acceptance and even appreciation of some annoying habits and idiosyncratic tastes.
The best way to feel your mate’s annoying habits are acceptable behavior choices is prayer, and personal visualization of oneself
No compromise or acceptance should be made with behaviors that are ungodly. Such wrong behaviors will have to be done alone, in a totally separate space. The size of the space depends on the seriousness of violation of moral law.
While negotiation is important, it is almost impossible for most couples to engage all the "highly mature" concepts mentioned above in the heat of battle, a time when we all have the hardest time being civil.
Commitment to resolution is the foundational spiritual posture that is necessary for conflict resolution to be successful.
There must be an underlying willingness to maintain the union.
The best resolution happens when there is an underlying fondness, respect, appreciation, trust, and love of the other person. When the love is lacking, the negotiation will more likely be perfunctory or power based.
Seven stages of the Family and Marriage mediation process:
1) Prepare for mediation
1) Begin the mediation
2) Communicate about the dispute
3) Define the issues and set the agenda
4) Clarify information and uncover hidden interests
5) Generate and assess options for settlement
6) Bring closure and settlement
1) Prepare for mediation –
– Prayer an important resource that is often overlooked.
– You are investing in the resolution not the conflict.
2) Begin the mediation –
– Set up and establish some basic ground rules
– The beginning of the mediation process is when the individuals are the most rational, to establish rules they will use when the conflict is more acute.
3) Communicate about the dispute –
– Communication in conflict resolution operates in two ways, speaking and listening.
– It is important that the both parties hear each other. – To listen carefully.
– We as the mediator must assure them that they will get an equal opportunity to talk.
– We also a mediator must remind them when they say things that are not productive and may be more harmful.
– This is where be become the manager of communication between their communication.
4) Define the issues and set the agenda –
– a) Clarify the issues
– b) Reframed them in more objective terms
– c) Set the agenda for problem – solving work.
– These steps diminish uncertainty and provide direction.
– Taking the issues in the order they are identified, or ranking the issues in order of importance to the both.
5) Clarify information and uncover hidden interests –
– While the issues are easily identified in most conflicts, the interests may be hidden.
– Addressing underlying needs is essential in resolving conflicts.
– What else is going on?
6) Generate and assess options for settlement –
– The people in the conflict create options that will meet their interests.
– These options must be assessed to see if they are practical and possible.
– These options must not only create a solution, they must include thoughts on how the solution would be put in place.
– Tunnel vision – they have invested so much time in their time, resources, and emotions in their position, it is difficult to leave it and move on to the resolution.
– Our role is to expand their vision – open up the tunnel – so that the alternative solutions are clear and easily accepted.
7) Bring closure and settlement –
– Constructive dialogue has identified issues and interests, creative solutions have been proposed, and now it is time for the individuals to decide whether they will accept a proposed solution, or continue the conflict.
– Acceptance or rejection.
We view outward behaviors as a symptom of deeper emotional and spiritual disorders. We believe that the surface problems that hinder our progress are only a result of the root causes within us. Once underlying spiritual issues are identified find the root causes, which are our internal adversaries and barriers, which are deeply rooted within our unconscious and subconscious mind, we can begin one by one identified, spiritual plan of action developed, process begins to be resolved by Grace Rational therapy. These hindrances have been designed to oppose us internally because of repetition and affirmation over prolonged periods of time.
The greatest battleground is within our mind because it is the spiritual sphere of rational activity and rational influence. The mind is bombarded with an atmospheric assault from the cosmic world (kosmos).
Prince of this world John 12:31; 14:30; 16:11
¨ The goal of Satan in the life of every believer
is to lead him astray (planao in the Greek).
¨ To take him on a journey of destruction from deception
¨ Intoxication – Wander (Living in abstract or irrational) “Taah” in the Hebrew
out of the way of understanding (rational insight) Proverbs 21:16
The entrance and path to the heart (leb: seat of courage) of man is his mind. Satan uses seducing spirits and demonic host to send vibrations to the mind of man to snare him into deceit, which also batters the mind. Everyone (saved and unsaved) is subject to unrelenting demonic attack. They ‘infiltrate’ this moral-spiritual dimension. Their strategy is to provoke, promote, aggravate, and instigate sinful desires and evil thoughts. In some situations where demons are involved, they are more of an effect of the problem than the root cause. The deceiver’s purpose is to make the spiritual sphere of rational activity and rational influence completely irrational.
Beelzebub (the Prince of Evil Spirits or the ruler of demons in Matthew 12:27) means "lord of the flies”.
Flies flock around wounds and so do demons. They try to use bitterness(frozen resentments) and unforgiveness to poison internal wounds much like a physical infection can poison outward wounds on a person’s body (Matthew 18:21-35).
The mind is also attacked by the flesh (i.e., the corrupt moral-spiritual dimension of fallen humanity).The need and desire for these behaviors will disappear.
Having or exercising the ability to reason.
Of sound mind; sane.
Doctrine – didaskalia In Greek – teaching of God’s mind precisely
The Rational Expression of God
The Theos: God
The Logos: Rational process of thought
The Rational Expression of God brings in illumination and personal deliverance. Illumination may be defined as the divine quickening of the human mind in virtue of which it is enabled to understand truth already revealed.” When you are teaching God’s mind (His Word) precisely you are instructing someone to think soundly in their mind. His word brings illumination. It does not reveal new truth, but makes the old truth understandable. Someone said, and I don’t know the source of this, “What light is to the Eye, illumination is to the mind.”
Illumination – "Being Convinced" to be persuaded – Romans 14:5 is Pherophoreo in the Greek means
1) Removes blindness in our mind
2) Gives insight
3) Prepares action in the will
We cannot live unto the position. The position must become a reality with in that is brought through our lives.
Positional truth: Positional truth unfolds to individuals the believers the present relationship to the government of the Trinity.
Life truth: Sets forth the believer’s present responsibility of the whole will of God
Our lives are full of unwelcome behaviors and overwhelming emotions. The fact that we still feel the pain from our past is not a sign of a failed relationship with God. The presence of the pain does not lessen the impact of the salvation in our lives. This is a signal that we need to begin the process of moment by moment healing. God will make the necessary healing and changes. To admit (face in reality) to pains and problems may seem to be a contradiction of our claim to salvation, but it is not. The bible is a masterpiece of men and women who struggled continually to overcome past mistakes and present temptations.
This Action-oriented approach to help people cope with problems and enhance their personal growth. We Place a good deal of its focus on the Present. Our currently-held attitudes, painful emotions and behaviors can sabotage a fuller experience of life. We provide people with an individualized set of proven techniques for helping them to solve problems with a variety of methods to help people reformulate their dysfunctional beliefs into more sensible, realistic and rational ones with Doctrine.
Much of our philosophy of life—what we think about ourselves and our values—is learned from past experiences. But the past is with us in the form of beliefs that we carry in our head in the present. Focus in on the beliefs that are harmful in our current emotional life and behavior—whether those beliefs arose in the distant reaches of our youth or within the past few weeks. Our past exerts its influence in our current-day thinking patterns and beliefs. Although we cannot change the past, we can change how we let the past influence the way we are today and the way we want to be tomorrow.
Doctrine helps restore the emotional balance in an individual’s life by providing methods for thinking more realistically and sound-minded about ourselves, other people, and the world. The quality of feelings that is important. Experiencing intense irritation and displeasure when things go wrong can motivate you to change frustrating conditions. Teach others and yourself to minimize debilitating emotions. This does not mean that it’s unhealthy to experience keen feelings of sorrow or displeasure when you experience misfortune. We empower individuals both by helping them more effectively handle their own painful emotions and by enabling them to have doctrine change their behavior and progress.
Doctrine illuminates (Removes blindness in our mind; Gives insight; Prepares action in the will) and provides people the skills and attitudes to become less selfish. Selfishness is often motivated by ego-gratification. Many selfish people tend to be very needy and demanding and are intent on getting what they want at any cost in order to feel good about themselves. The Word of God helps people to reduce their own neediness and specifically their need to prove themselves to others. Teaching them choose to accept themselves unconditionally; and then try to completely avoid globally rating themselves—meaning their totality or their "essence." We teach people to Enjoy rather than proving themselves in self-interest. Help people by teaching them to recognize and change those aspects of their thinking which are not sensible, accurate or useful.
We establish a helpful, supportive, and facilitative alliance with
people be cause we must realize we are at War with the Flesh (Self), demons, and the World system.. We realize that not all people come to therapy ready for action and change, and that some people—because of their personalities and problems—require a great deal of support and empathy before they are ready to change. We help provide people as quickly as possible with the tools to help them change their beliefs leading to disturbing emotions, thus freeing them to confront their everyday problems with all their new found resources or the old ones not practically experienced.
Rom 7:18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth (lives) no good thing (that is my sinful nature): for to will (desire) is present with me; but how to perform (carry out) that which is good I find not. (KJV)
We took control to protect ourselves, but the results frequently have ended uncontrollable and unreliable. We now don’t want to give up control and release ourselves from the torment. This now is a great opportunity to face reality and admit that our life is not working with us in control. We stop pretending, we admit that we can’t continue the illusion of control. The way we have managed our own lives brings us to this point. We prepare ourselves towards the walk of wholeness. Rational thoughts are whole thoughts. Whole thoughts makes wholesome living.
This may seem overwhelming to most of us until we begin to see our lives as they really are. It is threatening to realize could be uncontrollable. Our life experience testifies against us and reminds us that our behaviors did not produce peace.
Look at the Apostle Paul, he wrote about this matter clearly and proves the bible is true. He wrote about his uncontrollable life and behaviors as proof of his separation from God. Yet, his admission does not interfere with his commitment to do God’s will. Paul’s will got in the way with God’s will. This is part of the pride complex that is in every man. The pride of the old man that cries within us for his own will and works against us to frustrate God’s plan for us.
We have a culture that places a high value on individual accomplishment and success. Most of us from birth have been bombarded by our self the old sin nature, the devil, and the world system the ideal of high achievement. Being competitive is viewed by society as important. We are taught that if we compete hard enough we will be “winners” and, therefore good people. If, however we don’t measure up to what is expected of us we are losers, we believe of ourselves as failures. This combination creates a poor self-image. Due to the absence of good role models, during childhood, many of us are confused. We don’t know where we fit in. We continue to allow our worth and self-esteem to be determined by what we do and what others think about us, and not by who we are in Christ. We have conditioned ourselves to fail and learned anxiety from our much confused and misguided lives.
Surrender, we admit defeat and recognize that our obsessive traits manipulate the affairs of our lives to ease inner pain of our separation from God. Thus making our lives uncontrollable and will continue to be until we surrender our own will.
I believe that this process of mediation is a very complex and must be treated with the utmost care and consideration for all parties in crisis, dispute or we as counselors can cause more damage than when we have intended to bring healing. Therefore, this process of medication is not just a formula and must be looked at as adaptable for every diverse crisis in the realm of Family and Marriage counseling. I have enjoyed watching the precious Holy Spirit guide and direct the diverse times with His Amazing comfort. In the center turmoil, God the person of the Holy Spirit, provides comfort for numerous families devastated by conflict and crisis. We must not be in the way of an individual’s personal vertical walk with God because of our horizontal relationship as a pastor, counselor, or leader.
In Biblical counseling it is vital to remain the hands, feet, and heart of Christ. Meaning we are not to take the place of him in personal idolatry and allow our counselee’s to place upon a pedestal. The higher the pedestal the higher our fall will be and the greater the disappointments of those who placed us on the pedestal. In some cases, as pastors, counselors, and leaders we because of our great insecurity want the approbation of others place ourselves on a high pedestal. The only one that can be great is to be great servants anyone and everyone. Fully and intimately laboring to our Audience of One, our Master, and Lord. Seeking to be a servant keeps us small in our own eyes which can protect us against pride and haughtiness. The individual will again return to conflict if we take on a messiah complex and think we are their personal savior. We must allow the Holy Spirit to be the counselor and let him do the work in people’s lives. We are mere tools in the hands of a loving God that wants to minister harmony to those hurt in the turmoil of conflict and pain.
In His Grace Forever,
Pastor Teddy Awad, CMHP
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