Advice to Parents and Other Adults Who work with Generation X (Young Adults)

Advice to Parents and Other Adults

Who work with Generation X

(Generation in Crisis)

Generation X! Are you familiar with this phrase? It is highly probable that you have heard or read the phrase at least once. What does it bring to your mind? Does it provoke fear, confusion, despair, misunderstandings, or is it just another in a long line of such expressions used to label youth? Generation X has quickly entered our vocabulary as an easily recognizable moniker for the children of another definable generation: the “baby boomers.” Thus this generation of teenagers also has come to be known as the “baby busters.” “Xers” and “busters” normally don’t elicit positive thoughts about our youth. Is this a legitimate response? Or are we maligning a significant portion of our population with such terms?

Thus the concerns we have for our youth are concerns we have for ourselves. The “web of adolescence” touches all of us. As George Barna has stated, “taking the time to have a positive impact [on our youth] is more than just ‘worth the effort’; it is a vital responsibility of every adult and a contribution to the future of our own existence.”

First, they are serious about life. For example, the quality of life issues they have inherited have challenged them to give consideration to critical decisions both for the present and future. Second, they are stressed out. School, family, peer pressure, sexuality, techno-stress, finances, crime, and even political correctness contribute to their stressful lives. Third, they are self-reliant. One indicator of this concerns religious faith; the baby buster believes he alone can make sense of it. Fourth, they are skeptical, which is often a defense against disappointment. Fifth, they are highly spiritual. This doesn’t mean they are focusing on Christianity, but it does mean there is a realization that it is important to take spiritual understanding of some kind into daily life. Sixth, they are survivors. This is not apparent to adults who usually share a different worldview concerning progress and motivation. This generation is not “driven” as much as their predecessors. They are realistic, not idealistic.(14)

What About the Church and Busters?

Let’s survey a few other attributes of Generation X as we attempt to bring this group into sharper focus. These attributes should be especially important to those of us in the Christian community who desire to understand and relate to our youth.

Because of “the loneliness and alienation of splintered family attachments” this generation’s strongest desires are acceptance and belonging.(15) Our churches need to become accepting places first and expecting places second. That is, our youth need to sense that they are not first expected to conform or perform. Rather, they are to sense that the church is a place where they can first find acceptance. My years of ministry among youth have led me to the conclusion that one of the consistent shortcomings of our churches is the proverbial “generation gap” that stubbornly expects youth to dress a certain way, talk a certain way, socialize in a certain way, etc., without accepting them in Christ’s way.

Another important attribute of this generation is how they learn. “They determine truth in a different way: not rationally, but relationally.”(16) Closely aligned with this is the observation that “interaction is their primary way of learning.”(17) In order for the church to respond, it may be necessary to do a great deal of “retooling” on the way we teach.

Lastly, busters are seeking purpose and meaning in life. Of course this search culminates in a relationship with the risen Jesus. It should be obvious that ultimately this is the most important contribution the church can offer. If we fail to respond to this, the greatest need of this generation or any other, surely we should repent and seek the Lord’s guidance.

New Rules

George Barna has gleaned a set of “rules” that define and direct youth of the mid- and late-90s:

Rule #1: Personal relationships count. Institutions don’t.

Rule #2: The process is more important than the product.

Rule #3: Aggressively pursue diversity among people.

Rule #4: Enjoying people and life opportunities is more important than productivity, profitability, or achievement.

Rule #5: Change is good.

Rule #6: The development of character is more crucial than achievement.

Rule #7: You can’t always count on your family to be there for you, but it is your best hope for emotional support.

Rule #8: Each individual must assume responsibility for his or her own world.

Rule #9: Whenever necessary, gain control and use it wisely.

Rule #10: Don’t waste time searching for absolutes. There are none.

Rule #11: One person can make a difference in the world but not much.

Rule #12: Life is hard and then we die; but because it’s the only life we’ve got, we may as well endure it, enhance it, and enjoy it as best we can.

Rule #13: Spiritual truth may take many forms.

Rule #14: Express your rage.

Rule #15: Technology is our natural ally.(18)

Now let’s consider how parents and other adults might best respond to these rules.

What Do They Hear From Us?

Try to put yourself into the mind and body of a contemporary teenager for a moment. Imagine that you’ve been asked to share the kinds of things you hear most often from your parents or adult leaders. Your list may sound something like this:

· “Do as I say, not as I do.”

· “I’m the adult. I’m right.”

· “Because I said so, that’s why.”

· “You want to be what?”

· “This room’s a pig sty.”

· “Can’t you do anything right?”

· “Where did you find him?”

· “You did what?”

· “Do you mind if we talk about something else?”

· “I’m kind of busy right now. Could you come back later?”

These statements sound rather overwhelming when taken together, don’t they? And yet too many of our youth hear similar phrases too frequently. As we conclude our series pertaining to the youth of Generation X, let’s focus on how we might better communicate and minister to them. In his book Ten Mistakes Parents Make With Teenagers, Jay Kesler has shared wise advice we should take to heart and consistently apply to our lives among youth.(19)

Advice to Parents and Other Adults

Many people say there is a lot more conflict with parents when you’re a teenager. Conflict is a normal part of any relationship, but sometimes this is more intense because of change. Let’s face it, as we get older we change physically, emotionally and in the way we think about and see ourselves. Young people often move away from their parent’s beliefs as they are learning about the world, and parents can find this hard.

1. Be a consistent model. We can’t just preach to them and expect them to follow our advice if we don’t live what we say. Consistency is crucial in the eyes of a buster.
2. Admit when you are wrong. Just because you are the adult and the one with authority doesn’t mean you can use your position as a “cop out” for mistakes. Youth will understand sincere repentance and will be encouraged to respond in kind.
3. Give honest answers to honest questions. Youth like to ask questions. We need to see this as a positive sign and respond honestly.
4. Let teenagers develop a personal identity. Too often youth bare the brunt of their parents’ expectations. In particular, parents will sometimes make the mistake of living through their children. Encourage them in their own legitimate endeavors.
5. Major on the majors and minor on the minors. In my experience, adults will concentrate on things like appearance to the detriment of character. Our youth need to know that we know what is truly important.
6. Communicate approval and acceptance. As we stated earlier in this essay, this generation is under too much stress. Let’s make encouragement our goal, not discouragement.
7. When possible, approve their friends. This one can be especially difficult for many of us. Be sure to take time to go beyond the surface and really know their friends.
8. Give teens the right to fail. We can’t protect them all their lives. Remind them that they can learn from mistakes.
9. Discuss the uncomfortable. If they don’t sense they can talk with you, they will seek someone else who may not share your convictions.
10. Spend time with your teens. Do the kinds of things they like to do. Give them your concentration. They’ll never forget it.

This generation of youth, and all those to come, need parents and adults who demonstrate these qualities. When youth receive this kind of attention, our churches will benefit, our schools will benefit, our families will benefit, and our country will benefit. And, most importantly, I believe the Lord will be pleased.

Some Advice to Young Adults

Many people say there is a lot more conflict with parents when you’re a teenager. Conflict is a normal part of any relationship, but sometimes this is more intense because of change. Let’s face it, as we get older we change physically, emotionally and in the way we think about and see ourselves. Young people often move away from their parent’s beliefs as they are learning about the world, and parents can find this hard.

Some causes of conflict

Changes in thinking

As you get older you change and grow in many ways. One of the ways is in how you think deeper and more abstract. Questions we ask as teenagers become than as a young child. It’s a time when you start to think working out the world for yourself. Sometimes your values and beliefs can become different to your parents, leading to conflict.

Changing relationships

As you mature it becomes a more equal relationship where you all relate on the same level. This change doesn’t happen overnight. The process of moving from one type of relationship to another can be a real struggle and your parents are still responsible for you for, maybe even after you might feel you should be responsible for yourself – so lots of talking about issues is needed.

Individuals changing

We all go through developmental stages. While you’re going from being a baby, to a toddler, to a child, to teenager, to young adult – your parents are moving through their life cycle as well. They’re going from a young adult, to an adult, to middle aged. And we’re all having our individual “age related” crises along the way. Psychologists call it “developmental crises” and it’s normal for us all to go through these. You’ve probably heard of “the mid-life crisis”? Parents may be going through their mid-life crisis while young people can be going through their “identity crisis”. All at the same time – in one household.

Parents coping with changes in you

You grow and change so fast when you’re a teenager, your parents can find it hard to keep up. It’s a time when you want some independence. You want to think for yourself, to speak for yourself, to form your own values and opinions, to think about your life style and tastes, your emerging sexuality, to have some privacy, to be your own person. This is another one of those developmental crises – often the toughest to go through. It can be hard for parents to get used to these changes and the new emerging you.

Physical change

Apart from all the changes in thinking, emotions and identity, there are huge physical changes going on. Your body can change quite rapidly; it can be hard to cope with. Some people look mature and are treated like a man or woman before they really feel that way inside. Others are wondering why friends have changed before they have and when they’ll catch up. It can all be overwhelming.

Parents wanting to protect you

To your parents, your physical growth can be a powerful message that you’re about to go out into the world. They’ve probably learnt (often through making their own mistakes) that the world isn’t always a wonderful place. Your parents are probably very much aware that young people can be at risk of getting into difficult and possibly dangerous situations. It can be quite scary for parents not knowing what’s happening for you, not to mention imagining what could happen.

Your parents may feel a need to guide you and protect you from harm. It can seem like parents are interfering. What they more likely want to do is keep you safe. This mismatch of understanding can end up in hassles and arguments. It takes a bit of give and take on both sides to work it out. Parents need to realize that young people need to learn about life for themselves. This is also a learning time for parents – learning when to step back and when to step in (so be patient with them). Sometimes we learn best by our own mistakes but at other times it’s best to listen to other people’s wisdom. If it’s something that can affect your life for a long time to come, or if it will affect other people, then seriously consider asking your parents or a trusted adult for advice and information before making your decisions.

Situation changes

If there are other big changes going on in your life, this creates more stress and conflict. Some examples of other major change are: moving to a new state or a different part of the state, family breakdown, or getting a new step-family. Try and talk openly with your parents about how this is feeling for you. Also try some relaxation strategies.

Cultural change

When families move or migrate from one country to another the whole family faces massive changes. Apart from moving away from the familiar places, friends and family, there can also be huge differences in culture between two countries. Sometimes parents stick with the traditional ways, while younger members of the family begin to take on the traditions of the new country. This can mean a clash of cultures, values, ideas and ways of living life.

Referances

1. Barna, 18-21.

2. . Jan Johnson, “Getting the Gospel to the Baby Busters,” Moody Monthly (May 1995): 50.

3. Ibid.

4. Ibid, 51.

5. Barna, 108-15.

6. Jay Kesler, Ten Mistakes Parents Make With Teenagers (And How to Avoid Them) (Brentwood, Tenn.: Wolgemuth & Hyatt, 1988).

In His Grace Forever,
Pastor Teddy Awad, CMHP
Young Adult Crisis Hotline
and Biblical Counseling Center
410-808-6483
theodoreawadjr@comcast.net
http://yacrisishotline.tripod.com/
http://youngadultcrisishotline.blogspot.com/
youngadultcrisishotline@comcast.net

Most of this has been gathered information was from many sources and resources. I have attempted to give credit where credit is due.

Conscious Compassion

Conscious Compassion

The engine is fact (God and His Word) and the fuel car is our faith. We should place our trust (the fuel) in God and His Word (the engine). The passenger car is feeling. It would be foolish to place our trust (fuel) in our feelings (the passenger car) … the train will not run! In the same way, we should not depend on feelings or emotions.

The bible teaches in Luke 6:31: as you would others do to you, do you even so to them:

The difference between sympathy and empathy is significant to the Christian walk.

SYMPATHY says in words: “Boy, I’d really hate to be in that man’s shoes.”

EMPATHY says; “I have imagined what it must be like in that man’s shoes, and what I’d want someone to do for me if I were in that condition, I will do now for that man.”

Empathy places itself in another person’s shoes, and from that perspective realizes both the feelings and the need, then says: “I’m responding.”

Jesus words: “Do unto others as you would they do to you,” covers every aspect of life. In Matthew 25:32-46 Jesus said: Freed the hungry. Clothe the naked. Take in the stranger, (homeless). The hungry, naked, and homeless need not only food, clothing and shelter. They need some one to help them learn a skill, get a Job and become responsible. If they are a Drug addict or alcoholic, help them find an agency the deals with deliverance from whatever pathology they have. Care for another human being as if they were your parent or sibling. Have that conscious compassion.

Empathy must also place itself in the shoes of the infirmed. They are lonely and need visits. Helpless and need a hand accomplishing things. They may need other support and help to go to agencies and fill out forms to acquire aid.

ANYONE can repent of past conduct, and begin a new life, and be trusted as if they never did any wrong.

What are we as Christians going to do that have to answer to the lord for each act and word toward the hungry, naked, homeless, sick, and prisoners. When Jesus said: when you done it unto them, you have done it unto me, ENTER INTO KINGDOM OF GOD.
We must think Jesus, who is God, was mistaken when he said: When you failed to do it unto the least of these my brethren, you did it not me. BE CAST INTO EVERLASTING FIRE!

While we were yet sinners, Christ died for the ungodly. If it was the love of God that led us to repentance. Do not allow your love to grow cold.

Empathy will open up and earn the right to confront an individual.

Psychologists call it empathy, the rare capacity to put ourselves into the shoes of our partner and accurately see life from his or her perspective.

Empathy combines two important capacities: to analyze and to sympathize, to use our heads and to use our hearts. Our analytical capacities involve collecting facts and observing conditions. We look at a problem, we break it down into its causes, and we propose solutions. That’s analyzing. Sympathizing is feeling for another person. It is feeling the pain of someone who is suffering or feeling the anger of a person in rage. Analyzing and sympathizing are the twin engines of empathy. One without the other is fine, but their true power is found in combination. We need to love with both our head and our heart to empathize.

While the word “empathy” is never used in the Bible, it is, in a sense, what the whole Gospel message is about. The apostle Paul encouraged empathy in Hebrews when he said: “Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering” (Hebrews 13:3). He also said, “We who are not strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves” (Romans 15:1).

Sympathy focuses on sharing (experiencing) a person’s bad news or feelings, feeling sorry for the person suffering the bad news/feelings, and whether the sympathizer agrees with any of the person’s beliefs, opinions, or goals whereas empathy focuses on sharing (experiencing) a person’s bad and good news or feelings and understanding the bad or good news/feelings rather than feeling sorry for the person’s bad news/feelings or agreeing or disagreeing with the person’s beliefs, opinions, or goals.

Sympathy emphasizes sharing distressing feelings whereas empathy does not emphasize any particular type of feeling. The listener using empathy shares (experiences) whatever feelings the talker is expressing at the moment, regardless of whether the feelings are distressing (grief, for example) or pleasant (love, for example).

Sympathy may also involve agreeing with some aspects of the other person’s feelings, beliefs, etc. whereas empathy emphasizes understanding all of them with no interest in either agreeing or disagreeing.

The person using empathy tunes into the entire inner world of the other person whereas the person using sympathy typically tune

s into only those aspects with which he agrees.

The listener using empathy usually responds more comprehensively to the talker as compared with the listener using sympathy.

At this point you may be thinking: So far you have discussed sympathizing and empathizing with a person’s feelings or beliefs. What about other aspects of a person such as values or goals? I will answer this question by introducing the concept of a person’s inner psychological world, which I will divide into two parts–”the heart part” and “the head part.”

The heart part consists of feelings.

The head part consists of beliefs, thoughts, attitudes, opinions, values, memories, wishes, goals, etc. I have grouped all of the head part components under the label of “beliefs” in order to simplify my comparison.

Both sympathy and empathy involve “tuning in” to (“entering”) the other person’s inner world. After tuning in, the person using empathy temporarily becomes that person in a limited way (“identifies with”), for example, the grieving and loving son; this does not usually happen for the person using sympathy.

Empathy is closely related to the concept of sympathy. We cannot examine empathy without examining sympathy because their meanings are similar and their usage overlaps somewhat. The concept of empathy is a fairly new one, while the idea of sympathy has been around much longer. Empathy has evolved over the past century from its first usage as necessary to aesthetic experience to the idea that it is a fundamental part of human nature and necessary for psychological well-being. This essay will elaborate on how the concept of empathy evolved from the concept of sympathy to include understanding of a person or object, and how the modern usage of empathy is important in our understanding of the human condition.

In psychotherapy, the writings of such theorists as Rogers and Kelly have led to a widespread acceptance among therapists generally of a view of understanding as ‘empathy’. Rogers in particular stresses the therapeutic importance of the therapist’s understanding the patient from the patient’s perspective. In order to grasp the meaning for him of the patient’s experience, the therapist has to put himself in the patient’s shoes, to try his level best to see the world from where the patient sees it. Rather than the patient having to learn the therapist’s language and theoretical system, the therapist has to learn the patient’s. In this, he has to attend not so much to the patient’s words, as to their meaning for the patient.

Feelings, Empathy & Decision Making

What is an emotion? Emotion is usually considered to be a feeling about or reaction to certain important events or thoughts. Feelings can be either pleasant or unpleasant.

Many of us are familiar with the train diagram (in the “Four Spiritual Laws” booklet) to illustrate the principle “Do not depend on feelings.”

The engine is fact (God and His Word) and the fuel car is our faith. We should place our trust (the fuel) in God and His Word (the engine). The passenger car is feeling. It would be foolish to place our trust (fuel) in our feelings (the passenger car) … the train will not run! In the same way, we should not depend on feelings or emotions.

Moreover, feelings are undependable. The same event may generate different feelings in different people; how then should we interpret the event and the feelings that follow? Even the same feelings can mean different things to different people.

Some have misunderstood “do not depend on feelings” to mean “deny your feelings.” There is nothing wrong with feelings per se. Emotions filled the Psalms. Jesus wept (John 11:35-36). Eph. 4:26 acknowledges anger as a valid emotion; it doesn’t say, “Don’t be angry because anger is a sin.” The issue is what you do when you are angry. When an argument between my boys gets heated up, I told them, “I understand that you are angry but you cannot show your anger by hitting or name-calling.” We can be human and Christian at the same time.

I’m a Christian, I’m a man, a man with feelings, Yet sometimes I’m afraid to own my feelings. Then God said to me: I’ve made man so be free to be human be free to own your feelings but do not deny me.

The above is an excerpt of “A Conversation with God” which I wrote in 1978.

In Matt. 26:38-39, Jesus gave us an excellent example of acknowledging His feelings when He said, “Remove this cup from Me.” This was Jesus’ honest request not to go through with the crucifixion. Jesus knew that He was facing not only the agony of crucifixion but also the trauma of taking on the sins of the world (upon His sinless self) and being separated from the Father. At the same time, Jesus did not deny the Father. He said, “Thy will be done …” (Matt. 26:42).

John R.W. Stott wrote on page 120 of The Contemporary Christian,

“I learned to my astonishment that God, whose ‘impassibility’ I thought meant that he was incapable of emotion, speaks (though in human terms) of his burning anger and vulnerable love. I discovered too that Jesus of Nazareth, the perfect human being, was no tight-lipped, unemotional ascetic. On the contrary, I read that he turned on hypocrites with anger, looked on a rich young ruler and loved him, could both rejoice in spirit and sweat drops of blood in spiritual agony, was constantly moved with compassion, and even burst into tears twice in public. From all this evidence it is plain that our emotions are not to be suppressed, since they have an essential place in our humanness and therefore in our Christian discipleship.”

People are sometimes not fully aware of their own emotions. To acknowledge their feelings and control their behavior?

1. Teach them “feeling words” (e.g., happy, sad, bored, angry, hurting, frustrated).

   A good way to verbalize feelings is to say “I feel _______ (emotion) because _______ (reason).”

   An individual who is in touch with his own emotions and struggles can better take the other perspective to empathize with others (c.f. Heb. 4:15-16). Developing emphatic reactions to other people’s feelings contributes to morality in that when a person feels someone’s joys and pain, he winds up feeling good when he makes them feel good and feeling bad when he hurts them.

2. Allow our individuals to express their feelings in acceptable ways.

   When a person is frustrated, it is natural to cry. To command him to stop crying is to deny his humanity. We can acknowledge the individuals feelings by saying, “I understand that you are _______ (emotion) because _______ (reason).” Depending on the nature of the problem, you may want to be supportive and encouraging or be firm to get the individual to change his behavior.

3. How do I know another is emotionally mature? There are no firm standards of emotional maturity such as there are for physical development. “Balance” is a key word. If your child is able to take control of his feelings then he is doing fine. Emotional maturity comes with the passage of time and is based on experience in handling setbacks in life.
4. Suggest what to do about the situation that has upset them.

   Individuals can be motivated by reason, also subject to passions, desires and other emotions that can motivate them strongly and sometimes in the opposite direction.

   In decision making, we must be able to distinguish between what is really good for us and what seems good for us. Making this distinction is a matter of clear, rational and biblical thinking that is able to weigh the alternatives. It is at this point that emotions may dominate and rational thoughts go out the window! Therefore, it is important to establish principles beforehand as to what to do when caught in that situation.

In His Grace Forever,
Pastor Teddy Awad, CMHP
Young Adult Crisis Hotline
and Biblical Counseling Center
410-808-6483
theodoreawadjr@comcast.net
http://yacrisishotline.tripod.com/
http://youngadultcrisishotline.blogspot.com/
youngadultcrisishotline@comcast.net

The Christian Therapist

The Christian Therapist and

Learned Helplessness

The apostle Paul wrote the believers in Thessalonica to “warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone” (1 Thessalonians 5:14). The term-translated therapy indicates service rendered to people in times of turmoil. In its historic context, therapy (or counseling) is the attentive, careful helping of others.

The history of the word “therapy,” the Greek therapeia, with its derivatives therapon, therapeuo, and therapontos, gives birth to some illuminating meanings for the current practice of Christian counseling. Therapeia means, “Service.” The therapon is the servant who renders careful, experienced, watchful, meticulous, skilled, obedient, painstaking service to the one to whom he is intimately responsible.”

Notably the closest Greek synonym for therapon is diakonos, which also means “servant.” We can glean from the resemblance of the therapist and minister. In fact, in the ancient world, therapeia was commonly translated into Latin as ministerium. Among the Greek words signifying “servant” (therapon, diakonos, oiketes, pais, doulos), the most intimate of these is therapon, which always refers to personal, considerate, and confidential act of service.

The word “psychotherapy” may sound like a purely modern term, but its roots are ancient. The New Testament example of the therapon is Jesus Christ, the message and means of God’s intimate, healing, restoring service to all people (Matt. 9:1-8; Mark 1:32-34; Luke 4:18; et al). God Himself is the therapon, according to the kerygma, which means “proclamation.” The therapeia which He renders is the reflection of God’s redemptive love, portrayed in the banishment of demonic powers, and was made clear in the occurrences of the last days of Jesus’ earthly ministry.

The issue of the lawfulness of rendering therapeia on the Sabbath became a volatile point in the ministry of Jesus (Matt. 12:1-14; Mark 3:1-6; Luke 6:1-11; et al). The religious culture of the time of Jesus’ ministry did not want to see any therapeia on the Sabbath, but instead, they held to their own rigid interpretation of the Law regardless of the damaging consequences to those they were responsible to serve. Jesus, however, offered therapeia on the Sabbath as a sign of the emerging reign of God, thus intruding on the holy day with His ministry to sick bodies and tormented souls.

Many passages of Scripture depict Jesus’ interwoven ministry of teaching, preaching and healing. His life and ministry validated Isaiah’s prophecies of the Messiah as the Servant who comforted the anxious, encouraged the depressed, reconciled the hostile, and healed the lame and blind. The three-fold ministry of teaching, preaching, and healing, remains a concise summary of the purpose and mission of the church.

The authority of Scripture and the role of psychology are important to anyone interested in Christian counseling. Some people use the term integration to refer to the relationship of the Scriptures and psychology, but this term can be misleading. The Bible and psychology are not two equals blended together. The Word of God is the ultimate authority by which all theories and practices are measured.

Psychology is man’s attempt to analyze the human condition and provide assistance. Most psychological theories contain some valid observations of human behavior, but they are usually based upon erroneous presuppositions about both man and God. Secular theories and practices, however, cannot provide the ultimate source of healing power: The love and strength of Jesus Christ. He is our Creator and Savior. He is the one who can touch our deepest needs and bring light and life. God reveals the nature of man as well as His own nature.

The Christian counselor’s goal, however, extends farther to include helping with the love God with all our heart and to live by biblical values. In accomplishing this goal, the Christian counselor may present the gospel to someone who is not a believer or is unsure of his faith. He encourages the person to confess his sin and experience forgiveness, and also, to extend forgiveness to others. He helps the person understand proper behaviors and to take substantive steps to act appropriately and responsibly.

The Christian, of course, has uplifting values to motivate and guide, as Paul wrote, “For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; and He died for all, that they who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf” (2 Corinthians 5:14-15).

As a servant of Jesus Christ, called to love and to strengthen others out of a full heart, the Christian counselor has limitless resources as he or she experiences the wisdom of God and the power of the Holy Spirit. The counselor, just like the client, is in the process of growing in the knowledge of God and is being watered, pruned, and shaped by the Spirit’s work. This process makes the counselor increasingly effective and competent to counsel.

After, Careful study, selection, and orderly combination of compatible concepts from a variety of sources, based on the principle that “all truth is God’s truth.” People seem to yearn for a clear, simple answer to life’s complexities. Many p

eople view psychological problems through a simplistic lens and desire one definable set of problems and solutions.

The GRACE Model – The psalmist proclaims that man is “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14-15). We are made in the image of God, but we are deeply fallen. Our complexity includes physical, mental, emotional, behavioral, and social aspects of our being. Virtually every problem we have is multifaceted; its solution is then multi-modal.

For instance, an addict has chosen coping mechanisms outside the will of God to block pain and to gain a sense of value or control. There are usually factors outside his control, and therefore, outside his responsibility, such as childhood trauma, poor parental modeling, cultural reinforcement, and biochemical deficiencies. The biochemical dependencies may require detoxification. Effects of depression may require medication to enable the person to think clearly and make wise choices. New communication skills need to be learned, and new courage needs to be acquired in order to follow through with the communication and the skills. Repentance is right and appropriate in particular points of responsibility, but we do not repent of the wounds received from others or of biological factors outside our control.

Though the symptoms and the contributing causes of a person’s problems are multifaceted, the root cause of all human problems is our fallenness, manifested in apathy toward God, rebellion, and a desire to keep control of our own lives whatever the cost. All of our relational, behavioral, and emotional difficulties spring from this underlying condition. Physiological and psychological analysis certainly has validity to enable us to understand the dynamics and destructive powers in our lives, and also, to help us gain insight into channeling our motives and energies into constructive attitudes and behaviors. At the deepest level, however, the sin problem exists and must be addressed so that people can be rightly related to the God who created them and loves them, and so they can draw on His strength and wisdom to live more healthy lives.

Some have questioned the validity of Christians’ use of medications for emotional problems. Gary Collins writes:

Among Christians, resistance to psychotherapeutic medication probably comes from those who believe that drug use is a sign of spiritual weakness. Many feel that Christians shouldn’t have overwhelming struggles and psychological problems. When stresses arise, these people feel that prayer, trusting the Lord and meditation on Scripture are the only Christian ways to cope with anxiety. If the Lord has allowed us to discover new chemical tools to counteract the biological bases of human problems and to help us cope temporarily with the stresses of life, are these necessarily wrong? When drugs distract us from facing problems or prevent us from seeking biblically based solutions to our struggles, and then using them is not right. But psychotherapeutic medications can help us relax so that we can think more clearly. Their use is neither wrong nor an indication that we lack faith.” (Collins, 1988)

The complexities of the human experience demand that counselors carefully take a complete history on each person. Past and current emotional traumas, environmental and family difficulties, physical problems, behavioral manifestations need to be considered in order to make an accurate assessment. The goal is that the person will feel better, but also take steps toward knowing, loving, and following Christ.

For Christians, recovery is inherently a part of the process of sanctification, including foundational spiritual issues of our identity, repentance, and our motivations. Bible-based teaching, prayer, meditation and other Christian disciplines must be used knowledgeably.

Learned Helplessness

Some Depressed people became that way because they learned to be helpless. Depressed people learned that whatever they did is fruitless. During the course of their lives, depressed people apparently learned that they have no control.

The marketing experts at Hallmark say that 15 million Americans now attend weekly support groups for chemical addictions and other problems. (Some “experts,” as we shall see, place the figure much, much higher.) Another 100 million relatives are cheering on their addicted loved ones. This means that half of all Americans are either “in recovery” or helping someone who is.

“Only a small percentage of the brain is under conscious control. We are responsible for this part of our thought processes. The vast majority of brain function is Subconscious.” Moreover, they point out, only “twenty percent of our decisions come from the conscious, reasoning mind. The rest come from deep within.”

Along these same lines, an article on recovery in the New York Times cited the Psychiatric News, which said: “Addiction medicine is at risk of becoming the laughingstock of the medical community by forcing everything into a Procrustean model of addiction.” Procrustes was a giant in Greek mythology that seized travelers and made them all fit in a bed, either by stretching them or cutting off their legs.

Another example of mislabeling is the practice of calling behavioral problems “diseases.” Now, of course, there are some mental disorders that can affect behavior—schizophrenia, Alzheimer’s disease, and some forms of depression—t

hat are associated with physical diseases. But does this mean that behavior can be diseased? It is critical to recognize that there is an element of volition in behavior that is not present in real, biological diseases.

Stanton Peele, in his book Diseasing of America: Addiction Treatment Out of Control, says that “disease definitions undermine the individual’s obligation to control behavior and to answer for misconduct. They legitimatize, reinforce, and excuse the behaviors in question—convincing people, contrary to all evidence, that their behavior is not their own.”

Critics thus emphasize that a “disease” is something one has; “behavior” has to do with what one does. Addressing this issue, anthropologist Melvin Konner said: “We would all like to point at an illness—a psychiatric label—and say of our weak or bad actions, ‘That thing, the illness, did it, not me. It.’ But at some point we must draw ourselves up to our full height, and say in a clear voice what we have done and why it was wrong. And we must use the word ‘I’ not ‘it’ or ‘illness.’ I did it. I. I.”

Self-Esteem

Is the reestablishing of self-esteem the key to “recovery?” While I believe there is a biblical basis for the Christian’s sense of worth that is based on being created in the image of God and being the object of God’s love (as evidenced by Christ’s substitutionary death on the cross), I believe the answer to this question must be no. First, scientific studies have shown no cause-and-effect link between self-esteem and behavioral problems. Moreover, when self-esteem is given priority it can easily conflict with the development of traits which the Bible accords much greater priority: self-denial and genuine humility (Mark 8:34-35; Rom. 12:3; Eph. 3:8; Phil. 2:3; 1 Tim. 1:15; 2 Tim. 3:1-5).

Related to this, based on reading a representative sampling of Christian recovery books, I don’t think the doctrine of total depravity has received sufficient recognition in the recovery movement. Yes, Christian recovery leaders clearly acknowledge that people are infected by sin. However, more often than not the bad in our lives is presented as being more the result of unjust social conditions or growing up in a bad environment. As one critic put it, “in place of the idea of original sin, recovery experts put forward their own first cause of all our ills—the American [dysfunctional] family.”

We must emphasize that regardless of the attainment of self-esteem, people will continue to behave badly and suffer the consequences for their actions because they have a nature that is bent on evil. Feeling good about ourselves will not remove or alter this depravity. Hence, seeking self-esteem as a solution to inappropriate behavior seems misguided.

A past-present connection can not be denied regarding how people behave. But I do question whether such an in-depth examination of one’s past history and “resolving” childhood conflicts is a precondition to correct or appropriate behavior. I can’t go along with the idea that “we are bound (or condemned, some would say) to repeat the family experience we remember” (emphasis in original), and that “unresolved issues in childhood doom the emerging adult to recreate, to repeat, the past.” Besides, experts tell us that peoples’ memories can and often do distort the facts to one degree or another. Hence, a detailed investigation into the events of one’s past may not yield an accurate picture of what actually happened in that distant time anyway.

The apostle Paul had a legalistic upbringing, and was guilty of severely persecuting the church prior to his conversion. But instead of focusing on the past, he declared, “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:13-14).

In His Grace Forever,
Teddy Awad, CMHP
Young Adult Crisis Hotline and
Biblical Counseling Center
410-808-6483
theodoreawadjr@comcast.net
http://yacrisishotline.tripod.com/
http://youngadultcrisishotline.blogspot.com/
youngadultcrisishotline@comcast.net

Crisis Intervention in Family and Marriage Counseling

Family and Marriage Counseling

Crisis Intervention in Family

and Marriage counseling

The concept of “family” is vague and uncertain. While some still hold to the scriptural definition, or at least something akin to it, others have very different ideas. In the extreme cases, folks believe it is all right to physically abuse or even to kill their own flesh and blood. Of course, the vast majority of us can see immediately that this is wrong. However, there are innumerable other ideas which are socially acceptable, yet fall far short of the scriptural pattern. The acceptance of these ideas has had disastrous results.

For example, many households contain only one parent. While in some cases this occurs through no fault of the remaining parent – for instance, when the spouse has died – in other cases, it is the result of the parents’ own decisions. This situation is not good for the children. Consider the following excerpt from a recent column in the Providence Journal:

“Nearly 75 percent of children without fathers spend part of their childhood in poverty. They are more than twice as likely as children from two-parent families to be held back in school and more than four times as likely to be expelled or suspended. They are likelier to die in infancy. Likelier to need treatment for psychiatric problems. Likelier to be injured in an accident, to score poorly on I.Q. tests, to abuse drugs, to become criminals, to commit suicide.”

“Above all, children born and raised out of wedlock are far more likely to get pregnant as teenagers and have children out of wedlock themselves – and thus to begin the cycle anew.”

These factors have an obvious and immediate financial consequence for society: paying for the drug rehabilitation, psychiatric treatment, larger police forces, court time, jail space, and of course the next generation of unwed mothers and their children. More devastating than the financial consequences, however, are the moral consequences.

The people living this lifestyle lose their sense of personal responsibility, dignity, and self-worth. (We are discussing here situations wherein children are intentionally or recklessly conceived out of wedlock.) They develop the attitude that the government ought to provide them their basic needs. On the other hand, those who work to support themselves, and thereby provide for the poor through paying taxes, begin to resent those who receive the help. Thus, we have different segments of society hating and resenting each other. Moreover, those who work begin to feel that the government owes them something, as well. They begin to look for more and more services and handouts from the government, driven by the selfish attitude that they ought to get some “return” on their “investment”. The result is a nation degraded by citizens who complain that they are not being given what they “deserve”. Rather than going out, working, saving, and sacrificing to earn what we want to have, as our parents and grandparents did, modern Americans wait for a handout or a big win at the lottery. Even as we live the most luxurious lives known to man, we wallow in self-pity because we do not have everything we want. This is not how God wants us to live; He loves us, and wants much better for us.

The single-parent arrangement is not the only one that leads to trouble: not by a long shot. Another example is the household wherein both parents are career professionals. Rather than being content to live a simple lifestyle, both parents are working full-time jobs outside of the home in order to gain more and more material wealth, or at least to maintain a more luxurious lifestyle than they otherwise could. So, rather than seeing a father who sacrifices to provide for his family, or a mother who sacrifices to nurture her children, the children instead see two parents who are in continual pursuit of material comfort and worldly pleasure. Is it any wonder if such children grow to be selfish and materialistic? Again, rather than coming home to a mother who teaches and guides him, the teenager comes home to the television, which shows him all manner of fornication and violence – in the most glamorous light. Alternatively, since there is no one home to know where he is, he just stays out and involves himself in violence and fornication – and intoxicants.

These are by no me

ans the only problems, which modern American families make for themselves. The list goes will continue in America without strong Biblical standards. However, this book is not intended to change society, but to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ. The above examples are offered as illustrations, to show what happens when we do not follow God’s pattern for the family. As with all of God’s instructions, He designed the family with our best interests at heart. When we follow His ways, we not only have heaven to look forward to, we also live better lives here. This rationally seen when we consider the impact the modern American version of “family” has had upon our children.

Crisis Intervention in Family and Marriage Counseling

Five Approaches to Family and Marriage Conflict:

1. Avoidance: The most commonly used style in conflict management, reflects the belief that it is impossible to both accomplish our personal goals and maintain relationships while in conflict. The basic strategy of avoidance is to withdraw, avoid, suppress, and deny the existence of conflict. The person using this style is unassertive, neither pursuing his or her own interests in the situation, nor supporting others in achieving theirs. Avoided conflict will typically resurface at some point, most likely with more intensity and greater potential for destruction that when first identified.

2. Accommodation: The accommodating response to conflict is characterized by a high concern for preserving relationship, even if it means conceding one’s own goals. Relationship is preserved with out conflict. The accommodator may feel guilty if he or she causes conflict. Other reasons for choosing this approach include a high need for acceptance by others, and the belief that accommodation will allow those needs to be met. The person who uses the approach of accommodation accepts the burden of responsibility for maintaining the relationship. Accommodation can be effective and ineffective in approaching conflict.

3. Competition: The competitive, win-lose style of conflict management is characterized by very high concern for the achievement of personal goals, even at the risk of damaging or destroying relationships. The person who uses this style may not desire harm to come to others, but he or she is willing to sacrifice almost anything to achieve personal objectives. People who employ this type of style do not always go head to head with opposition. Some times they work subversively. At other times they us the power of words to humiliate and weaken their opponents, until they finally bring them under control. As with avoidance and accommodation, the challenge is not to decide whether competition is good or bad but rather when to wisely choose to use it.

4. Compromise: The person with a compromising style of conflict management proposes the middle ground to others. It reflects some willingness to compete for particular resolution but also some accommodation of the relationship between the parties. This approach is based on the premise that no one can be fully satisfied, so all those involved must submit some of their personal desires to serve the good of both parties. The sense of compromise can have a negative connotation. Compromise can lead to half-hearted commitments and reoccurring conflicts under the guise of new issues. Compromise like avoidance, accommodation and competition, can be appropriately and inappropriately utilized.

5. Collaboration: The collaborative style combines a high concern for both people and objectives. Moving beyond the adversarial positions of conflict. Understanding the true needs of the parties and use a creative process to find a mutually –satisfying solution. Collaboration is not always possible or even desired. Collaboration holds great potential for those in conflict. The effects of the collaborative style are positive when it is consistently applied. Increased trust, stronger relationships, enthusiastic implementing of goals and higher resolution of conflicts are often achieved

Conflict:

• A state of disharmony between incompatible persons, ideas, or interests; that clash.
• A striking or dashing together.

Intervention:

• Any interference that may affect the interests of others; especially, with the affairs of another; mediation.

In mediation of crisis or conflict we often encounter danger and opportunity. Instinctively we avoid places where disagreement is common or potential for conflict is high, because we sense danger in those places.

The Latin word for conflict “confligere” means to strike together. This gives us a mental picture of physical conflict escalating to the point where one person angrily strikes at another. The situation presents danger to the people involved in the conflict and those around them.

Conflict has been described as a situation in which the concerns of two people appear to be incompatible. Conflict also exists when two people try to occupy the same place a t the same time. They violate personal boundaries.

Wherever there is conflict, there is the possibility that how it is handled (or not handled) will result in those involved.

In Marriage and Family Conflict the crisis are most apparent in our differences over facts, methods, values, and goals.

• Conflict over facts: What we believe to be facts.
• Conflict over the methods: Not only do we differ what should be done, but we experience great disagreement over how it should be carried out.
• Conflict over values: just as a conflict can arise and result from a clash of incompatibility of different perspectives on facts, and methods, it also can result over different values. Values are those ideas, habits, customs, and beliefs that are characteristic of social communities.
• Conflict over goals: conflict is a clash of perspectives as people express different goals.

There is a clash of different perspectives on facts, methods, values, and goals.

Also the conflict will reveal and reflect different attitudes and emotions:

· It is interpersonal: Closely connected with who we are as people.

· It is intrapersonal: Closely related with how we interact with each other.

· Conflict is capable of bringing to the surface unconstructive emotions that are irrational.

· Conflict presents an opportunity to change, to struggle, to grow to reflect God’s power of reconciliation in relationships.

Anybody that is conflict free is not experiencing growth… the important changes in us takes place with in the framework of struggle.

Acts 15:36-40

³⁶ And some days after Paul said unto Barnabas, Let us go again and visit our brethren in every city where we have preached the word of the Lord, and see how they do. ³⁷ And Barnabas determined to take with them John, whose surname was Mark. ³⁸ But Paul thought not good to take him with them, who departed from them from Pamphylia, and went not with them to the work. ³⁹ And the contention was so sharp between them, that they departed asunder one from the other: and so Barnabas took Mark, and sailed unto Cyprus; ⁴⁰ And Paul chose Silas, and departed, being recommended by the brethren unto the grace of God.

Can you imagine the tension as Paul told John Mark tha

t he was not invited on the journey?

Can you sense the tension the next time the two men we together?

Were the two of them able to resolve the conflict by themselves? Or were others involved in mediating it?

Can you sense the celebration that was there as they sat together toward the end of Paul’s life?

They grew through conflict. They saw the opportunity for growth and took it.

We need to imagine grace of God’s presence than will produce harmony, even at the point of greatest conflict.

1TIMOTHY 2:5-6

5 For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus;

6 Who gave himself a ransom for all, to be testified in due time.

Strong’s # 3316 is Mesites • from 3319; TDNT – 4:598,585; n m • AV – mediator 6; 6 • 1) one who intervenes between two, either in order to make or restore peace and friendship, or form a compact, or for ratifying a covenant

The simplest translation of the word mediator is “in the middle.”

Seven stages of the Family and Marriage mediation process:

1) Prepare for mediation

2) Begin the mediation

3) Communicate about the dispute

4) Define the issues and set the agenda

5) Clarify information and uncover hidden interests

6) Generate and assess options for settlement

7) Bring closure and settlement

1) Prepare for mediation –

- Prayer an important resource that is often overlooked.

- You are investing in the resolution not the conflict.

2) Begin the mediation –

- Set up and establish some basic ground rules

- The beginning of the mediation process is when the individuals are the most rational, to establish rules they will use when the conflict is more acute.

3) Communicate about the dispute –

- Communication in conflict resolution operates in two ways, speaking and listening.

- It is important that the both parties hear each other. – To listen carefully.

- We as the mediator must assure them that they will get an equal opportunity to talk.

- We also a mediator must remind them when they say things that are not productive and may be more harmful.

- This is where be become the manager of communication between their communication.

4) Define the issues and set the agenda –

- a) Clarify the issues

- b) Reframe them in more objective terms

- c) Set the agenda for problem – solving work.

- These steps diminish uncertainty and provide direction.

- Taking the issues in the order they are identified, or ranking the issues in order of importance to the both.

5) Clarify information and uncover hidden interests –

- While the issues are easily identified in most conflicts, the interests may be hidden.

- Addressing underlying needs is essential in resolving conflicts.

- What else is going on?

6) Generate and assess options for settlement –

- The people in the conflict create options that will meet their interests.

- These options must be assessed to see if they are practical and possible.

- These options must not only create a solution, they must include thoughts on how the solution would be put in place.

- Tunnel vision – they have invested so much time in their time, resources, and emotions in their position, it is difficult to leave it and move on to the resolution.

- Our role is to expand their vision – open up the tunnel – so that the alternative solutions are clear and easily accepted.

7) Bring closure and settlement –

- Constructive dialogue has identified issues and interests, creative solutions have been proposed, and now it is time for the individuals to decide whether the will accept a proposed solution, or continue the conflict.

- Acceptance or rejection.

I believe that this process of mediation is a very complex and must be treated with the utmost care and consideration for all parties in crisis, dispute or we as counselors can cause more damage than when we have intended to bring healing. Therefore, this process of medication is not just a formula and must be looked at as adaptable for every diverse crisis in the realm of Family and Marriage counseling. I have enjoyed to see the precious Holy Spirit guide and direct the diverse times of turmoil and provide a way of escape for numerous families devastated by conflict and crisis. We must not be the way an individual is touched because if we are then eventually the individual will again return to conflict. Me must allow the Holy Spirit to be the counselor and let him do the work in peoples lives. We are mere tools in the hands of a loving God that wants to minister harmony to those hurt in the turmoil of conflict and pain.

In His Grace Forever,

Pastor Teddy Awad, CMHP

Young Adult Crisis Hotline

and Biblical Counseling Center

410-808-6483

theodoreawadjr@comcast.net

http://yacrisishotline.tripod.com/

http://youngadultcrisishotline.blogspot.com/

youngadultcrisishotline@comcast.net

Pride and Shame: Strongholds of the Self-Centered Soul

Pride and Shame:
Strongholds of the Self-Centered Soul

---

Strongholds of pride and shame can keep us wandering aimlessly through a desert of unrest leading to confusion, anxiety, depression and despair.

Pride is a little god-maker. It is the most effective attribute of character available to us for the fashioning of little gods. Pride is not patient, it is not kind. It does envy, it does boast; for it is – pride. It is rude, it is self-seeking, it is easily angered, and it keeps records of all wrongs. Pride rejoices in evil and avoids the truth. It protects for selfish reasons, it cannot afford to trust, it is its own hope, and it perseveres only for personal gain. (Compare to love in 1 Cor. 13:4-7) Man’s first sin was pridefully self-centered. Man’s first reaction to his sin was shame. Shame is also self-centered. Just like pride, its central focus is self.

Pride led religious leaders to want to kill Jesus (Mark 11:18). In order to flourish, pride must conquer what it perceives as competition. And yet, it was also pride that caused men to want to raise Him up as King of Israel (John 6:15)! But Jesus resisted them. Jesus knew the method by which He must be lifted up in the eyes of men (Jesus predicts His death in John 3:14-15). Scripture tells us that Jesus “would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all men” (John 2:24).

Pride caused the Israelites to reject God’s institution of judges in favor of a king to represent them as a nation. God told Samuel, “…it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king. As they have done from the day I brought them out of Egypt until this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are doing to you” (1 Samuel 8:7-8). Pride promotes self. Shame demotes self. But, both are increases to self-centeredness. To demote self is not to decrease self. It is simply a different, though negative, view of self. Pride encourages a persistent focus on self-gratification. Then, as self becomes gratified, pride is ratified. Thus, pride becomes the cause and the protector of selfishness.

Pride encourages self to believe that personal performance can overcome unpleasant negative feelings of shame. Shame insinuates to self, “Sure, Jesus died on the cross for you, but don’t you still feel shame?” Then pride exhorts self, “Therefore, you must rely on what you have done, or what you are now doing, or what you are able to do to feel acceptable to yourself.”

Where there is much pridefulness, there is powerful judgment:

“On the appointed day Herod, wearing his royal robes, sat on his throne and delivered a public address to the people. They shouted, ‘This is the voice of a god, not of a man.’ Immediately, because Herod did not give praise to God, an angel of the Lord struck him down, and he was eaten by worms and died.” (Acts 12:21-23)

But, where there is little pridefulness, there is powerful grace:

All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. (Acts 4:32-33)
Shame often legitimizes its self-centered focus by promoting self’s victim status. Unrepentant pride and shame are circular allies. When shame is tired of its suffering, it often turns to pride for relief. When pride’s shallowness is exposed, it often turns to shame for absolution. Thus, they perpetuate one another allowing self to avoid true repentance. Shame is a great impetus for both action and inaction. Shame can bully a person to works requiring tremendous effort or intimidate a soul to virtual impotence.

Shame resides in the relative safety of loneliness. By avoiding honest intimate relationship, shame shields self from the possibility of further rejection. But, by avoiding intimate relationship, it also shields self from love. Shame and pride are like a dog and a cat. They both determinedly desire to be stroked. Pride and shame are fraternal twins. Though they do not look alike, they were born one right after the other. Pride was the firstborn, and then came its inevitable brother, shame. Shame is sometimes the primary method of establishing and managing religion. When this happens, pride is the governing body of that religion. In the end, shame will be the great equalizer for those that are unrepentantly prideful. Self is the captain of the ship christened Pride and Shame. “Sink or swim” is its motto. Through stormy seas, it endlessly sails. It has no homeport, where it may rest from the winds of selfish determination.

Shame is a thief, stealing the treasure of life from self. Pride selfishly buries the treasure where only he can find it. The rich may have pride and the poor may have shame, but each is merely vanity. They are both mirrors used to unrelentingly gaze upon self.

An attitude of worldly shame denies the efficacy of the sacrifice of Christ on the cross and is in direct conflict with the proclamation of scripture:

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death” (Romans 8:1,2).

Pride looks for who’s watching. Shame watches for who’s looking. Both are in bonda
ge to the opinions of others. Pride and shame are like merry-go-round horses; one goes up and the other goes down, but they both keep going round and round. Shame may be deep and pride may be shallow, but both are only holes in the souls of men. Pride and shame are the bodyguards of unrepentant self. They will do whatever is necessary to protect self from healthy change.

Shame is like a tree with many roots underground, but very little trunk and few branches above the surface. Pride is like a great tree with long branches reaching upward from a portly trunk, but very little root structure. The wind comes and blows mightily against the shame tree. Some dead branches are blown off, but the roots remain firmly entrenched. Then the strong wind comes and blows against the pride tree. The whole tree comes crashing down, with its shallow roots exposed for the entire world to see. Which tree is more resistant to the Spirit of God? The one that displays itself boldly to the world or the one that hides itself safely beneath the surface?

Shame for our sins was a choice Jesus once made. Jesus chose to bear our shame by dying on the cross. Pride is a whip in the hands of the arrogant. Shame is a shovel in the hands of a fool. The shameful fool digs an emotional hole, too deep to climb out, and then jumps in. The arrogant, prideful one lashes the fool for jumping into the hole. The shameful fool accepts the lashing as appropriate and deserved. The arrogant, prideful one leans back and smiles in satisfaction.

It is easy to see that having much pride is shameful. But what is often hidden from our sight is that having much shame can be prideful. The person with much shame often believes that harboring a sufficiently large quantity of shame is a necessary self-punishment before God (and others) and a means by which he might earn some degree of personal acceptance. In this way, his shame has become a self-determining, self-dependent, work of atonement, denying the sufficiency of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross for his sins. This is pride.

Shame denies light to the dark places within the soul. The soul cannot grow without the light. Shame denies air to the empty places within the soul. The soul can not breathe without the air. Shame denies water to the dry places within the soul. The soul can not live without the water. Shame denies while the soul dies.

Pride is a source of false hope. But Shame is a source of false hopelessness. Shame is like a flower that grows up out of the ground and then refuses to bloom in the sunlight. But place it in the shade and it will open.

Worldly shame is an active rejection of God’s forgiveness based on feelings of personal unworthiness. If you have rejected God’s forgiveness, whose worthiness have you really rejected, yours or Christ’s?

It is not easy to stop being prideful and it is not easy to stop being ashamed. The way to stop being prideful is not by being ashamed, and the way to stop being ashamed is not by being prideful. Both are overcome by humility. And humility is perfected by the power of the Holy Spirit.

It is sin to believe pride and shame’s definitions of self. It is humility to believe God’s definition of self. If you truly wish to stop believing the lies; God will set you free, unto humility. You must choose to go there, but only God can bring you.

In His Grace Forever,

Pastor Teddy Awad, CMHP

Young Adult Crisis Hotline

and Biblical Counseling Center

410-808-6483

theodoreawadjr@comcast.net

http://yacrisishotline.tripod.com/

http://youngadultcrisishotline.blogspot.com/

youngadultcrisishotline@comcast.net

STRONGHOLDS

STRONGHOLDS

The word “strongholds” (Gr. ochuroma) occurs only once in the New Testament. According to Arndt-Gingrich, it was used in New Testament times to denote “fortress” or “prison” (606). Having learned this, it is not surprising that some have concluded “strongholds” to mean “a gathering place” for demons. By studying the context we will see right away that this is not the sense in which Paul used it here.

WHAT PAUL INTENDED

Can we know what Paul meant by “strongholds”? Not only can we know, it is imperative that we know if we are going to use the term in our personal spiritual warfare and in our ministries. False doctrine is usually the result of flawed hermeneutics. Scripture is its own best interpreter. We are commanded to study to show ourselves “approved of God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the Word of Truth” (2 Timothy 2:15). After ascertaining the plain meaning of any portion to the best of our ability, we then carefully and prayerfully study the context to gather further information, looking to the Holy Spirit for illumination.

The “strongholds” of 2 Corinthians 10:4 cannot refer to evil spirits, as study of the context will show clearly. In fact, the entire epistle does not have a single reference to evil spirits. It is basically a letter to bring the Church at Corinth back to their former allegiance to the ministry of the one who brought them the Gospel at first. Chapters 1-7 contain loving admonitions for the Church, along with the beginning of Paul’s defense of his ministry, which was being maligned. Chapters 8-9 encourage generous giving to spread the Gospel. Chapters 10-13 comprise Paul’s forceful defense of his apostleship and ministry against the vituperative attacks of “false apostles” (11:13) who were spreading vicious lies about him (10:2,10; 11:6-7,15; 12:11-12). In their attempts to alienate the Corinthians from Paul, his enemies were accusing him: of having weak bodily presence (10:10), of poor speaking skill (11:6), of being inferior (11:16), of not really being an apostle (12:11-12), and of using fleshly methods for self-aggrandizement (10:3). With all that in mind, we can understand Paul’s appeal in chapter 10, including his usage of the term “strongholds.”

First, he pleads with the Corinthians to retain their confidence in him (10:1-3). He makes a play on words, using sarx in two ways. He writes: “Though we walk in the flesh (sarx-we are still in a physical body), we do not war according to the flesh (sarx-in a carnal, worldly way). His enemies were accusing Paul of something he avoided assiduously.

Second, in verses 4-6, he tells the Corinthians how he will win in the “war” against Truth: (1) He will not use carnal (sarkikos) weapons, but he will use weapons that are “mighty through God for pulling down strongholds.” (2) He defines the “strongholds”; they are “arguments (logizmous, imaginations)” against his ministry (5a), the “high thing” (hypsoma, the prideful arrogance of his enemies) that exalts itself against the knowledge of God (5b); and the thoughts (noema) that are not obedient to Christ (5c). Hypsoma, “high thing” can be used to refer to a spirit in Greek mythology, but in context here it refers to that which exalts itself above the Truth of the Gospel as preached by Paul. As Craig Keener has written:

Greek sages sometimes described their battle against false ideas as a war, in terms similar to those Paul uses here. Like those sages, Paul claims to be doing battle with false ideas. “Arguments” (NIV, NRSV, TEV) or “speculations” (NASB) is a technical term for “rhetorical or philosophical” reasonings; the prisoners of war in this extended metaphor are human thoughts. Cf. Proverbs 21:22 (508).

When people believe lies, they are allowing a prison of deceit to be established in their minds. Believing a lie is one of the most dangerous things a person can do. Our eternal destiny depends on our believing Truth. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word (Romans 10: 17); without Biblical faith we cannot be saved. In further emphasizing that the mind is the battlefield under attack, Paul expresses his deep concern:

I am jealous for you with godly jealousy. For I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ. But I fear, lest somehow, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, so your minds may be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ (2 Corinthians 11:2-3).

H. D. Spence describes the strongholds as “the evil fortifications of the mind, corrupt thinking, prejudices, worldly maxims, evil thinkings. The work of the true soldier is to bring this frontal force into entire subjection to Christ” (242).

Third, Paul tells which weapons will be effective to pull the strongholds down: (1) The stronghold of false arguments and diabolical arrogance will be cast down by the knowledge of God, the full Truth (10:5a), exposing the God-given validity of his apostleship and the satanic nature of his enemies (11:13, 12:12). (2) The stronghold of wrong thoughts will be pulled down by bringing every thought into “captivity to the obedience of Christ” (10:5b). (3) Paul will personally punish all disobedience (including that of the false apostles) as soon as the Corinthians have fulfilled their obedience to his apostolic authority (10:6; 12:20-21; 13:2,10).

As we gain understanding of the crucial nature of the war against Paul’s ministry and against the Church at Corinth, we appreciate the power of Truth to overcome Lies. In his comments on 2 Corinthians 10:4-5, Matthew Henry has recorded:

What opposition is made against the Gospel, by the powers of sin and Satan in the hearts of men: ignorance, prejudices, beloved lusts, are Satan’s strongholds in the souls of some; vain imaginations, carnal reasonings, and high thoughts, or proud conceits, in others. But then observe, the conquest which the word of God gains. These strongholds are pulled down by the Gospel as the means, through the grace and power of God accompanying it as the principal efficient cause (1090).

The devil’s primary strategy is to disguise his activities so that it appears that someone or something else is to blame. He wants us to get our attention on his surrogates, his instruments, his hindrances and “wrestle” with them, so that our battle will be directed against the “symptoms” instead of the “real source.”

2 CORINTHIANS 10:3-5 “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.”

ROMANS 6:16 “Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey.”

JOHN 10:10,11 “The thief (Satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (Abundant Life). I am the good shepherd …”

I. EVERY PERSON HAS STRONGHOLDS

II. CHARACTERISTICS OF STRONGHOLDS:
1. The stronghold exists in the person’s MIND (the stronghold is a lie)
2. The stronghold is deceitfully hidden from the person’s awareness.
3. The stronghold has existed for considerable time.
4. The stronghold has tempted the person to sin repeatedly.
5. The stronghold repeatedly overpowers the person, creating hopelessness.
6. The stronghold has many intellectual and emotional defenses.
7. The stronghold is actively and aggressively opposed to God and His truth.

III. COMPONENTS OF STRONGHOLDS:
1. The Center of the stronghold is the: the Main Lie

(The place where corrupt irrational thought or thoughts is believed to be rational and exalts its self above rational truth and rational reasoning. These thoughts have become high thoughts and therefore carnal reasoning replaces rational thoughts (Mind of God) and thinking about a specific area or areas of rational truth. They have because of deception of carnal thinking become the evil fortifications of the mind against the truth.

2. The castle controls a specific mental location: the Dark Deception
3. The castle is protected by guards: the Lie Defenders:
- Emotional outbursts – Personal attacks
- Mental arguments – Rationalization of behavior
- Past failures – Change the subject
- Peer comparisons (“I’m not as bad as that other person.”)

4. The lie tempts and controls behavior
5. The lie strengthens his kingdom and his control of behavior
6. The lie plants other related strongholds and tries to expand his kingdom

In His Grace Forever,
Pastor Teddy Awad, CMHP
Young Adult Crisis Hotline
and Biblical Counseling Center
410-808-6483
theodoreawadjr@comcast.net
http://yacrisishotline.tripod.com/
http://youngadultcrisishotline.blogspot.com/
youngadultcrisishotline@comcast.net

How Is Your Conscience?

How Is Your Conscience?

Everybody has a conscience, the reflective part of the mind it largely has to do with the past, but it can deal with the future in that we may project how we would feel if we do this or that. Mainly the conscience deals with the past. Our conscience is responsible for our joy or lack of joy.

The conscience was designed to be the human’s moral compass that detects the presence of evil. The conscience is as valuable as its training. It must correctly differentiate between good and evil to be of significant value to the person. Becoming a Christian commonly involves retraining a poorly trained conscience. The objective of this training is to make a Christian’s conscience aware of and sensitive to God’s standards and values. The Christian desires to yield to God’s perspectives rather than his/her own.

When a person acts consistently with his/her understanding of right or wrong, the conscience reacts positively. When a person violates his/her understanding of right and wrong, the conscience reacts negatively. Consciences react with no feeling if they are neglected or dead.

In one way the statement, “Let your conscience be your guide,” is correct. In another way, that statement is incorrect. The statement is correct if a person means, “I should be true in my actions to my standards and values.” The statement is incorrect if a person means, “My conscience defines my standards and values.”

The correctness or incorrectness of the statement is determined by one’s understanding of the role of conscience. If the person understands the conscience is reacting to his/her standards and values, the statement is correct. If the person thinks the conscience defines/produces standards and values, he/she is incorrect.

When a person violates his/her understanding of right and wrong, he/she has a “guilty conscience.” The conscience convicts that person of being wrong because he/she violated his/her standards or values. The conscience did not declare the person’s standards and values. The conscience declared a violation of the person’s standards or values.

The American culture has produced an increasingly “feeling” oriented society. A significant standard in determining if an attitude or act is right or wrong, good or bad is how that attitude or act “feels” to the person. Good “feelings” commonly confirms something is right.

Every Christian should be maturing in his/her understanding of God and His purposes. Each Christian is growing in his/her understanding that surrender to God involves much more than “blind obedience” to a religious system or a personal theological perspective. As a result of that understanding, his/her conscience is continually growing and maturing. That growth and understanding often involves growing beyond past positions of conscience. This is not a matter of searing the conscience but of maturing the conscience.

First, right and wrong or good and bad are strictly individual determinations. If it “feels” good then it is good–even if it “feels” bad to others. Thus the cry becomes, “Do not judge me!” which often means do not evaluate my “feelings” by your “feelings.” Many firmly believe there is no absolute right and wrong or absolute good and bad. Everything is both good and bad or right and wrong depending on the circumstances of the individual.

Note the use of “my feelings” to determine right and wrong or good and bad is often a justification of a personal behavior/position. Appealing only to feeling allows the person to focus on personal justification to the exclusion of person evaluation.

Second, if an attitude or action does not violate “my” conscience, it cannot be wrong or bad. Stated in another way, if the attitude or action “feels” good or right then it has to be good or right. In many instances, “feeling” is the ultimate consideration. The “certain proof” something is wrong is a “bad feeling.”

To many American individuals (as frequently is true in other modern societies), the ultimate criteria for determining right or wrong and good and bad is personal feelings. It is rapidly reaching the point that something does not have to “feel good” for it to be right; it just does not have to feel bad. Thus, if “my” conscience does not react against something, it has to be right. This situation creates numerous ironies. One of many illustrations: A person can be so opposed to abortion that he/she classifies it as murder because it takes a life. Yet, he/she can take the life of someone who makes abortion possible, and without “feeling” it is wrong. Thus, by appealing to a powerful feeling, one is justified in his/her own opinion in preventing “murder by abortion” by intentionally “murdering.”

Good choices and decisions come from good standards and values. Godly consciences come from good choices and decisions based on good standards and values. A good choice and a good decision is determined by the results of the choice and decision years later, not by one’s feelings at the moment of the choice or decision. Often choices and decisions of great value do not feel good at the moment of choice. Often choices and decisions of horrible consequence feel wonderful at the moment of choice or decision. The issue often is NOT “how do I feel at the moment of choice,” but what is the continuing result of the choice.

Lesson one: because something “feels” right and good does not make it right and good.

Lesson two: if one’s standards and values are incorrect, his/her conscience will be misguided.

Lesson three: one’s conscience is no more reliable than the standards and values that train his/her conscience.

Lesson four: a conscience is a good conscience only if it is reliably trained by good standards and values.

Lesson five: it is possible to have right motives and wrong understanding at the same moment.

Lesson six: culture’s standards frequently serve as poor standards for training a conscience.

Training a conscience is only to be entrusted to God, the Father of Jesus whom He made Christ. God’s standards and values must become the person’s standards and values. Thus, developing a good and godly conscience is a lifetime journey, not an earthly destiny. As the person spiritually matures in Christ, standards and values constantly undergo development. The conscience constantly changes through development as one’s standards and values mature in Jesus Christ. Developing a godly conscience is a lifetime undertaking.

The feelings of a conscience can be trusted to be right only when a person is certain his/her standards and values are God’s standards and values. As a person matures in God’s ways and priorities, his/her standards and values mature. As standards and values mature, the conscience changes.

The cultural swings in this society in less than one life span are dramatic. We have gone from a society that inhibited emotion to a society that feeds on emotion. In the mid-twentieth century, a woman endured significant social consequences if she had a child outside of marriage. Today there are unmarried men and women who deliberately have a child outside of marriage. In the mid-twentieth century it was not unusual for sexual activity and expression to be repressed even in marriage. Now sexual activity and expression are at least sanctioned and at most encouraged prior to marriage. Alienation in marriages, divorce, single parent homes, blended families, and life styles are much too frequently the result of an individual’s “feelings.”

Within the Bible it is easy to pick out 4 types of conscience. They are:

1. A Seared Conscience

2. An Untrained Conscience

3. A Weak Conscience

4. A Biblical Trained Conscience

1. The Seared Conscience-

The seared conscience is a conscience that has been activated by biblical truth but, is no longer activated by biblical criteria. The conscience has no guilty feelings, see nor see any need for excusing what they do. It is this conscience that blasphemes the Holy Spirit. 1 Tim 4:2

2. The Untrained Conscience-

The untrained conscience has never been activated by biblical truth. Therefore those with untrained consciences do not have or have very few guilt feelings, they don’t make excuses for what they do since they don’t know the biblical way in doing things. The conscience is these folks can be remedied by being taught and trained in biblical truth. This conscience can be easily led to depression by reacting improperly to life’s issues.
Rom 1-3

3. The Weak Conscience-

The weak conscience is activated by non biblical criteria. A weak conscience produces guilt feelings for the wrong reasons. These folks could have good standards they live by but have idols in their heart. They may do things for acceptance by God, to be accepted by the Church, to be loved by mom or dad, or in order to get something from God since that “bargained with Him. This conscience can and often is easily led to depression by reacting improperly to life’s issues.
Rom 14:1,2,23

4. A Biblical Conscience-

These folks have a conscience activated by biblical truth. They have proper guilt feelings for the right reasons when they do wrong and sin. They are in the proper position to handle guilt and problems God’s way. These are the people inthe Church that have grown and are called “spiritual” by the Apostle Paul. (Gal 6:1)
2 Tim 3:16-17, 1 Tim. 1:5

May God grant us to have a biblically functional conscience by then grace, illumination and dynamic power of the Holy Spirit.

In His Grace Forever,
Pastor Teddy Awad, CMHP
Young Adult Crisis Hotline
and Biblical Counseling Center
410-808-6483
theodoreawadjr@comcast.net
http://yacrisishotline.tripod.com/
http://youngadultcrisishotline.blogspot.com/
youngadultcrisishotline@comcast.net

Trophy of God’s Grace

Trophy of God’s Grace

I would like to share with you my testimony about how giving my life to Jesus Christ has transformed my life from one of drug addiction and alienation and emptiness to one of spiritual fulfillment, purpose and love for life. I have been coming to this church since October of last year. It has been the most life changing and spiritual times of my entire life. During that time I have met and become friends with so many people here in the body. During that time you have all injected so much life into me and I would like to say thank you for that.

What a lot of you probably do not know is that up until a year ago I was living a drastically different life from the one I am living now. I would like to share with you a little bit about how far God has brought me in less than a year, a deliverance that is nothing short of a miracle. About a year ago I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I found myself serving time in the Baltimore County Detention Center for various offenses that were all the result of a five year heroine addiction.

My addiction to heroine and other hard drugs had its beginnings when I started to smoke pot when I was 12 years old. I experimented with all kinds of drugs in high school. That experimentation escalated to cocaine and heroine in my later years of high school, when pot and drinking just weren’t enough to satisfy me. I started doing drugs to have fun and party but soon I began to do them to fill the emptiness I felt in my life

Through all this time I experienced a string of very serious car accidents that should have taken my life. One of those included being flown home from Senior Week to shock trauma. You would think that practically losing my life over and over would have woken me up but it did nothing to stop my drug use, if anything I just dove into drugs even more. My family kept saying that God must have a major plan for me, because those accidents should have taken my life.

I was very good at hiding my drug use but just after my eighteenth birthday my parents discovered I was using heroine. They sent me to a really exclusive rehab for a month but that didn’t work and I relapsed. I tried to hide my failure from my family but they discovered again that I could not kick my habit. From that time on, I was in and out of rehabs. But none of those rehabs could help me end my addiction to heroine. My family eventually had to cut me off because I was taking advantage of them and they could not trust me. This led me to living on the streets of Baltimore City for almost two years, where I had almost no contact with them.

One of the turning points of my life was on Christmas of 2000. My Uncle Marty, who is a Christian, asked me to go for a walk with him that night. On that walk he asked me if I wanted to receive Jesus Christ into my heart, and told me that this would transform my life. I said no thanks. When I look back now, I realize he planted a seed that eventually led me to my salvation and being here today with a brand new life.

March 30, 2001, I was arrested and sentenced to six months in jail. This was a turning point in my life even though I didn’t know it at the time. My family was obviously devastated by my life and where it was taking me. I know they felt totally helpless after so many attempts to help me. They had tried everything and nothing could help me. I felt just as frustrated but had no hope for my future. I did not want to live that life but my own will was not strong enough. Little did I know that all of these events in my life were all leading up to my family’s salvation and my salvation. God truly did have a plan, not only for me but for my whole family.

My father’s doctor, Dr. Larry Boas, knew of my struggle with beating my drug addiction. He mentioned to my father that his neighbor, Pastor Teddy Awad, had had success with healing drug addictions. My father was willing to try anything and so he arranged with the Detention Center, so that Teddy was able to meet with me and Dr. Larry Boas in private. I met Teddy in May – when they both came to visit me in jail. That is where Teddy, shared the gospel of Grace with me. It was there that I asked Jesus into my heart and was saved.

Up until that point I had never had hope for my future. I was basically living day to day, trying to survive. I knew that as much as I wanted to get better, none of my own efforts could turn my life around. It was not until I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ that I experienced hope for my life and for the first time things were falling into place for me. I clung to 2 Corinthians 5:17 for months until I finally started to love myself. I read this verse at least once a day.

Pastor Teddy was so faithful to visit me – bringing me a Bible and different booklets to read each week. During the time I was in jail, my dad, my sister Jen, and my stepmother Patty all accepted Christ, and began to visit me in jail and share with me their brand new life. They encouraged me and gave me hope for my future and told me how wonderful church was, what a wonderful new life they were all experiencing. God was showing me through all this that I truly could have a new life and that I did not have to see my self as an addict anymore. My life was new and fresh and the past was gone because of Jesus dying on the cross for me.

Teddy and his family and all the new people I met in church loved me and accepted me for who I am in Christ and did not judge me or make me feel like I was less of a person, because they did not judge me on my past. I learned immediately that I could have fun and become fulfilled and have a new life. I learned that Christ is the only one who could fill the emptiness of my soul, an emptiness that I had been trying to fill all those years with drugs and alcohol. The amazing thing is that God used my situation to give my whole family their salvation, and knit our whole family into the body of Christ. He has given us all brand new lives and hope for our life though getting to know Him. I also know God wants to use me to help others in my situation, because I have experienced that God only, can heal them like He healed me.

I would like to thank this church for having the vision and assurance to see that Christ could heal me. I would like to thank Pastor Teddy and his family who eventually made room for me at their home and continued to teach me Christ on a daily basis through Grace. My best friend through this all has been my father and he still is today. I would like to thank my mother, my stepmother Patty, and my sisters Jen and Beth for never giving up on me and for giving me support and encouragement. I would most of all like to thank God for a brand new life that is full of possibilities. Thank you for showing me that only by surrendering to Christ, can I truly experience life.

In Christ,

Clark

What do I get at the party?

What do I get at the party?

Psalm 40:8,MSG ‘And I’m coming to the party you’re throwing for me.” That’s when God’s Word entered my life, became part of my very being.’

How would you describe the process by which you find and do the God’s will in your life?

For some, finding it is like playing bumper cars! We keep going in one direction until we bump into an obstacle, turn, and go in another direction. It’s a constant process of elimination, failure and success. Is this the way God would have us get to know Him? NO…!

The process seems to be more like a mighty flowing river (example of Mississippi, St. Louis vs. N.O.), which travels speedily along its course. By the way, it follows the path of least resistance, making it less something that requires effort and more something we do have to trust and hold on if we’re going to stick with the image of riding. As it travels speedily in some places and more calmly in others there are some rapids, rock hazards, and a big waterfall or two. Finally, it either ends up at the ocean, which has its own set of issues and stories we could tell, and can be a picture of going from faith to faith, or it ends creating a pristine, gorgeous mountain lake. In any case its like in Ezekiel 47, the image is of a mighty river and a man of God being challenged to go deeper into that river. As he passes through each trial of life he faces, it seems he’s standing in deeper waters as he continues on his trek.

No matter what the image you follow, the key is to stay on the ride, don’t be afraid to put your hands outside of the vehicle (in this case you won’t lose a body part, only your life) and hopefully take in the view of what God has planned for you, with joy in the adventure.

Jeremiah 33:3, MSG ‘Call to me and I will answer you. I’ll tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own.’

Pastor John Bilowith

Fellowship Bible Church

47 Milton Street
Dedham, MA 02026
(781) 326-3033

http://www.fellowshipindedham.org/

Friendships are made, not born!

Friendships are made, not born!

John 15:15

“I have called you friends.”

Christ Himself is our model. He reaches out to us and offers us more than just friendship. He offers us eternal life with Him. He is always there for us and forgives us endlessly. He knows us inside and out and loves us anyway. We are all born into a family, but we grow into friendships. Members of your family may be your best friends. But if they are, I suspect it’s more a matter of spirit than of blood. Friends are a priceless gift from God. According to the dictionary, a friend is one person linked to another by esteem, respect, or affection. One of the advantages of having friends with whom we can have deep conversations about things that matter is the opportunity to discuss each other’s beliefs and doubts.

Developing New Friends:

1. Show a real interest in the lives of others. This means asking questions and really caring about their lives, not just your own.

2. Go out on a limb. Invite someone you’d like to know to do something with you.

3. Don’t give up too easily. If someone doesn’t immediately jump at the chance to build a friendship, be patient. Some people need a little more time.

4. Talk to God about your desire for friends. Ask Him to help you find good friends.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.”

Nothing is more DELIGHTFUL in this world than a TRUE FRIEND, that is wise and GOOD, that KINDLY receives and returns our AFFECTION, and is FAITHFUL to us in all our true INTERESTS.

1. THERE ARE ONLY A FEW CLOSE FRIENDS

A. (Proverbs 18:24) “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and

there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.”

We live in a covenant with all believers in the [kingdom of God], but

with some we are particularly tied together thru the Holy Spirit.

B. Look at Jesus’ example:

He has His TWELVE

His THREE – Peter, James & John

And His ONE: John

This is not exclusion but is the only way to

PRAC

TISE FRIENDSHIP.

2. A FRIEND GIVES HIS LIFE

A. (John 15:13) “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay

down his life for his friends.”

‘To lay down one’s life’ also means THE READINESS TO PUT ONESELF BACK TO SERVE THE OTHER PERSON, instead of putting the other one back to serve one’s self. It is THE READINESS TO TAKE THE NEEDS OF THE FRIEND MORE SERIOUSLY than your own.

B. Think of John the Baptist: “He that hath the bride is the bridegroom:

but the friend of the bridegroom, which standeth and heareth him,

rejoiceth greatly because of the bridegroom’s voice: this my joy

therefore is fulfilled. He must increase, but I must decrease.”

(John 3:29-30)

3. A FRIEND KNOWS YOU DEEPLY

A. (John 15:15) “Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant

knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you

friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made

known unto you.”

A friend is SOMEONE IN FRONT OF WHOM YOU CAN BE TOTALLY SURE, take of your mask, and SLOWLY GET CLOSER TO THEM – BE YOUR OWN SELF. This TAKES TIME and is also RISKY.

4. A FRIEND LOVES WITHOUT CONDITIONS

A. (Proverbs 17:17) “A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is

born for adversity.”

No strings attached. No qualifications, nor existing circumstances,

5. A FRIEND GIVES YOU GOOD ADVICE

A. (Proverbs 27:9) “Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the

sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty counsel.”

Another characteristic of a friend, is to hear the voice of God with you:

‘I have not got a clear guideline for you in this matter, so therefore

let us pray together about this.’

6. A FRIEND SPEAKS THE TRUTH IN LOVE

A. (Proverbs 27:6) “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the

kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”

The Bible tells us to “walk in the light” to have real “fellowship” with

each other (I John 1:7).

We ALL NEED somebody with enough LOVE for us to tell us the TRUTH about ourselves.

Not only what we WANT TO HEAR, but also what we SHOULD HEAR as well.

“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship

one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from

all sin.” (I John 1:7)

7. A FRIEND ENCOURAGES YOU

A. (Job 6:14) “To him that is afflicted pity should be shewed from his

friend; but he forsaketh the fear of the Almighty.”

Job NEEDED MORE than what his own wife gave him: “curse God, and die.”

Nice sympathy, wasn’t it?

We ALL NEED ENCOURAGEMENT, confirmation and SUPPORT in our Christian lives.

8. A FRIEND ALSO DOES NOT FEAR A CLASH WITH YOU

A. (Proverbs 27:17) “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the

countenance of his friend.”

clash = conflict, hostile encounter

CLASHES cannot be avoided in such CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS.

B. The DURABILITY of a FRIENDSHIP will be TESTED; it will be SEEN IF it is

REALLY WELDED TOGETHER WITH the LOVE OF CHRIST.

We

then have the CHOICE of either

1. DRAWING BACK FROM BEING OFFENDED, or

2. REBUKING that FRIEND, or

3. SOLVING the CONFLICT IN LOVE.

9. A FRIEND IS DELICATE

A. (Proverbs 26:18-19) “(18)As a mad man who casteth firebrands,

arrows, and death, (19)So is the man that deceiveth his neighbour, and

saith, Am not I in sport?”

Firebrands = flames, sparks

Deceiveth = mislead, delude, dupe, fool

B. To put it simply, a FRIEND is AWARE of your SENSITIVE areas.

They REFRAIN from SARCASM, MEAN JOKES and EXPOSURES.

10. A FRIEND IS LOYAL

A. (Proverbs 16:28b) “A froward man soweth strife: and a whisperer

separateth chief friends.”

chief friends = best friends

B. (Proverbs 17:9b) “He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he

That repeateth a matter separateth very friends.”

very friends = true friends

In the hour of BETRAYAL, with RUMOURS and ACCUSATIONS, it will be OBVIOUS who REALLY STANDS BY US.

Would you like to HAVE FRIENDS who SHOW these CHARACTERISTICS?

In His Grace Forever,
Pastor Teddy Awad, CMHP
Young Adult Crisis Hotline
and Biblical Counseling Center
410-808-6483
theodoreawadjr@comcast.net
http://yacrisishotline.tripod.com/
http://youngadultcrisishotline.blogspot.com/
youngadultcrisishotline@comcast.net

Wounded Heart of Shame

Wounded Heart of Shame

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame

---

Shame Synonyms:
humiliate reject neglect
ridicule disrespect abandon
dishonor slight demean
insult taunt put down
beat abuse punish
hurt loss of face soul-murder
worthless prejudice racism
numb dead cold
hell joyless suffering
poverty

Antonyms:
pride confidence dignity
self-esteem self-respect self-love
malama bood

Isa. 42:17,44:9-11- The 3 elements of shame: exposure, revelation and consequences involves the element of trust as well. Trust is giving up our soul to another with the hope we will not be harmfully used. This power we give to another is the power to determine whether or not we are acceptable and desirable which empowers another to determine whether I am acceptable or not.

This can be misconstrued and becomes idolatry which is placing our longings to another for which only God can provide, putting this longing in the hands of a creature rather than our Creator.

Shame or folly comes about when our false god fails to meet our needs and heal our wounds, then we begin to rely on our own strength rather than on God or anyone else. All of this represents illegitimate shame.

Legitimate shame is when we acknowledge God, God is the One who determines our acceptability. Thus, legitimate shame is facing our failure to trust in God. Trusting God means relying on Him to keep our body or our world intact and to maintain the intactness of our soul. Shame of the flesh tries to deflect sin through contempt and blame shifting as with Adam and Eve.

Contempt/Deflection:
The enemy is ultimately the evil one, and the path to Satan’s vision is rebellion or autonomy, or in other words, sin. Self-contempt and other-centered contempt is a mean by which we maintain a semblance of control over our lives that protects one from dependence on God, and this keeps one from dealing with the problem of sin and God is the only One Who can deal with sin, the flaw of our fallen nature.

Functions of Contempt
Ps. 1:1-3 -To deal with this problem requires more than behavioral change. The issue here is sin, salvation and sanctification. Contempt serves us in 4 ways:it diminishes our shame, it deadens our longings, it makes us feel in control, and it distorts the real problem. Self-contempt is satan’s counterfeit for conviction of sin. All abuse is a violation of the sanctity and wholeness of the human soul.

Prerequisites for Growth:
To move toward loving God we begin to alter the process of self-centered stagnation and decay.

John 12:24-25 -Trusting in God involves the loss of our agenda, so that we die to our inclination to live a lie. We forfeit our rigid, self-protective, God dishonoring ways of relating in order to live life as it is meant to be lived. In order to love God’s way, we must both honor the dignity and expose the depravity of the person with whom we are in relationship.

Honesty
Heb. 2:10, 5:8-9 – Real life requires death. Death involves the experience of suffering. Suffering is required for growth. Christ’s sufferings was in bearing the disgrae and shame of the Cross. As we take up His cross, we can then really see what we are meant to be. The purpose of regaining memories is removal of denial, reclamation of the self, and a movement toward real change.

Ps. 139:23-24-Reclaiming the past is a lifelong endeavor.

Repentance:
Repentance is an about-face movement in the mind from denial, rebellion to truth, and surrender from death to life. Repentance is an internal shift in our perceived source of life, and it involves the response of humble hunger, bold movement, and wild celebration when faced with the reality of our fallen state and the grace of God. This leads us toward coming alive for the explicit purpose of having more to give to others for their well-being and to God for His glory.

In His Grace Forever,
Pastor Teddy Awad, CMHP
Young Adult Crisis Hotline
and Biblical Counseling Center
410-808-6483
theodoreawadjr@comcast.net

http://yacrisishotline.tripod.com/
http://youngadultcrisishotline.blogspot.com/

youngadultcrisishotline@comcast.net

Christian Counselor

As a Christian Counselor

As a Christian Counselor, I base my philosophy of counseling on the passage in Romans that tells us how to be “transformed by the renewing of our minds”.
How do we do this?

Philipians 4 tells us to
1)not be anxious, but to take our requests to God,
2)focus our minds on positive things,
3) learn to be content in life, and
4) praise God for everything.

God then promises us
1) he will guard our heart and minds,
2) He will give us strength for the task,
3) He will give us peace.

To transfer this head knowledge of the scriptures to heart knowledge we need to put these things into practice. Often our relationship with God has been distorted by many of life’s circumstances. I want to help my clients see the truth about God as He reveals himself in scripture. Furthermore, it is my hope that as God see you through your suffering He will heal you and use you to bring honor and glory to Himself and to use you according to his good purposes.

You might ask, “What if I don’t want any of that religious stuff?” I can assure you, you will not get any preaching or sermons unless you ask direct questions about the spiritual side of an issue. I will meet you where you are at in your spiritual journey.
I believe that everyone needs a little help from time to time in this journey of life. I try to learn form everything that happens to me in life. I believe God is using me in His work to bring help and hope to people He brings to my office. I am a trained professional clinician and provide scripturally sound counseling in a safe, non-judgmental and respectful environment.

Differences between Christian / Biblical Coaching and Secular Coaching

There are many differences but primary is the underlying foundation. Secular coaching is humanistic and relies on the client’s self-imposed goals. Christian coaching is Christ-centered. Within Christian coaching, there is a three-way relationship between client, coach and Holy Spirit. Secular coaching involves a two-way relationship between coach and client. Many Christian coaches have found it frustrating to work with secular programs and secularly accredited Christian programs because of the high infiltration of new age philosophies. You won’t find that here at Young Adult Crisis Hotline. The bible distinctly tells us to seek only the counsel of other Christians. It is important to note though, that while we offer Christian Coach training and certification, the techniques learned are also applicable with secular clients. Seek Him first and God will lead those to you, who need what you have to offer.


In His Grace Forever,
Pastor Teddy Awad, CMHP
Young Adult Crisis Hotline
and Biblical Counseling Center
410-808-6483
theodoreawadjr@comcast.net
http://yacrisishotline.tripod.com/
http://youngadultcrisishotline.blogspot.com/
youngadultcrisishotline@comcast.net

Why are Young Adults leaving the church?

Why are Young Adults leaving the church?

“Americans in their twenties are significantly less likely than any other age group to attend church.”

86% of the Young Adults in the evangelical church leave at age 18 and ever come back. Thisfigure sounds incredibly high to me but even if it is in actuality, only a fraction ofthat amount it still shows there is a real problem in the Church today.

“These statistics suggest that the church is heading toward extinction.”

If churches do not “modify the approaches they use to influence the faith development” of this group, teens who grow up to be young adults will be “the least churched generation.”

A new study from LifeWay Research shows that more than two-thirds of young adults who attend a Protestant church in high school will drop out of church for at least a year before their 22nd birthday.

More than 1,000 adults (ages 18-30) were questioned for the survey. Each said they had attended a Protestant church for at least a year while in high school. But 97 percent of those surveyed listed one or more reasons for becoming what LifeWay refers to as a church “dropout.” For example, 27 percent of those individuals said they left church because they wanted “a break from church.”
Other reasons cited for keeping them from attending church included: the transition to college (25%), increased work responsibilities (23%), “too busy, though still wanted to attend” (22%), moved too far away from the church they had been attending (22%), and wanted to spend more time with friends from outside the church (17%).

Gone are the days when young adults attended church because they’re “supposed to,” said Scott McConnell, associate director of LifeWay Research.

New research has confirmed speculation that young adults are leaving the church in droves.

LifeWay Research released study results that showed that more than two-thirds of young adults who attend a Protestant church stopped attending church regularly (at least twice a month) for at least a year between the ages of 18 and 22.

While many do return and attend church at least “sporadically,” 34 percent said they had not returned by age 30.

“Lots of alarming numbers have been tossed around regarding church dropouts,” said Ed Stetzer, director of LifeWay Research, the research arm of LifeWay Christian Resources of the Southern Baptist Convention, in the study. “We wanted to get at the real situation with clear research – and there is some bad news here, no question. But, there are also some important solutions to be found in the research.

When we know why people drop out, we can address how to help better connect them.”

Most of the young adults who stopped attending church had not planned in advance on quitting the church. Only 20 percent of the church dropouts said that while attending church in high school, they planned on taking a break from church once they finished high school.

Almost all church dropouts were related to life changes. The top reason in this category young adults listed was “I simply wanted a break from church” (27 percent).
Transitioning into college was also a major reason for quitting church (25 percent); 23 percent said “work responsibilities prevented me from attending;” and 22 percent said they “moved too far away from the church to continue attending.”
“It seems the teen years are like a free trial on a product. By 18, when it’s their choice whether to buy in to church life, many don’t feel engaged and welcome,” said McConnell, according to USA Today.

“When life changes, reshuffle priorities and time in young adults’ lives, church doesn’t make it back on that list for a lot of them and I think that maybe tells us where we’ve prioritized those things,” commented Stetzer in a LifeWay podcast.
Two out of three young adults reported attending church at least twice a month through the age of 16. The percentage drops sharply at ages 17, 18, and 19, with only 31 percent attending at age 19. And attendance remains low through age 22. Attendance rises slowly afterward.

Although some still wanted to attend church, 22 percent said they “became too busy” and 17 percent “chose to spend more time with friends outside the church.”
More than half (52 percent) said “religious, ethical or political beliefs” contributed to their departure from church. More specifically, 18 percent said “I disagreed with the church’s stance on political or social issues;” 17 percent said “I was only going to church to please others;” 16 percent no longer wanted to identify with a church or organized religion; and 14 percent disagreed with the church’s teachings about God.
On church or pastor-related reasons for leaving, 26 percent said they left because “church members seemed judgmental or hypocritical” and 20 percent said they “didn’t feel connected to the people in my church.”

The research poses some great cause for concern, said Stetzer who recognizes the frequent criticism toward youth leaders regarding the high dropout rate.
“People have been beating on youth ministry like a low-hanging piñata on cinco de mayo for a few years now. I think we’ve got to ask some hard questions and I think it’s okay to ask those hard questions,” said Stetzer in the podcast.
“This research should not just say ‘Oh, the sky’s falling,’ but ‘What do we need to do differently?’”

Why some return

Most church dropouts, however, aren’t gone for good. Among those who stopped attending church regularly and who are now ages 23-30, 35 percent currently attend church twice a month or more. Another 30 percent attend church more sporadically.
The primary reason church dropouts eventually return to church is because of encouragement from family or friends. Thirty-nine percent returned as a result of their parents’ or family members’ encouragement and 21 percent attribute their return to their friends or acquaintances.

On a more personal note, 34 percent return because “I simply the desire to return” and 28 percent said “I felt that God was calling me to return to the church.”
Other reasons for returning include “I had children and felt it was time for them to start attending” (24 percent); and “I got married and wanted to attend with my spouse” (20 percent).

Some stay

Some still decide to remain in the church through ages 18-22. Most (65 percent) said “Church was a vital part of my relationship with God” and more than half (58 percent) said “I wanted the church to help guide my decisions in everyday life” as reasons for staying in church.

Half said they felt the church was helping them become a better person; and 42 percent said they were “committed to the purpose and work of the church.”
Those who stuck with the church during their young adult years largely remain a churchgoer. Only 6 percent of young adults who stayed do not currently attend church.

“When, by God’s grace, young people see the church as essential in their lives and choose to continue attending, their loyalty remains strong,” McConnell said in the study.

Stetzer noted, “Teens are looking for more from a youth ministry than a holding tank with pizza.

“They look for a church that teaches them how to live life. As they enter young adulthood, church involvement that has made a difference in their lives gives them a powerful reason to keep attending.”

LifeWay researcher directors stressed the importance of relationships that can keep people in the church and parents in passing a robust Christian faith to their children.
LifeWay conducted the survey in April and May 2007 on more than 1,000 adults ages 18-30. Each indicated that they had attended a Protestant church regularly for at least a year in high school.

_________________________

The Young Adult Crisis Hotline and Biblical Counseling Center are helping to encourage discipleship and growth in each individuals walk with the Lord. Our personal vision of The Young Adult Crisis Hotline and Biblical Counseling Center is rapidly expanding into creative, effective and fruitful outreaches. The Young Adult Crisis Hotline and Biblical Counseling Center is a unique extension of our vision of “Impacting Young Adults World Wide.” The combination of tremendous personal discipleship, patience, divine encouragement and constantly pointing people to the Cross is producing fruit that is not only remaining but “Taking the Word to the World” as well. The purpose is now to cast our nets and fish for others.

The Young Adult Crisis Hotline and Biblical Counseling Center is a unique extension of the vision of the TOPEC Foundation. The vision of the Total Personal Care Foundation is to expand to working and developing this Generation. The Young Adult Crisis Hotline and Biblical Counseling Center are therefore helping to encourage discipleship and growth in each individuals walk with the Lord.
The Young Adult Crisis Hotline and Biblical Counseling Center has become a Christian Outpost that helps individuals who have life controlling problems to become responsible, productive and caring individuals through its personal development program with intensified Grace Rational Therapy. This program ministers to the spiritual, psychological and physical needs of its clients.
This ministry will serve as a bridge to the local church community by preparing and training the individuals to live Christ-centered lives. It will facilitate these goals by teaching and presenting them the biblical alternative to life challenging problems by offering the biblical solution to freedom based upon “The Finished Work” of Jesus Christ and His principles.

“What we’re hoping to get the churches to see … and to really understand is that losing one to Jesus was more important than staying with the entire flock. He would go after the one lost sheep and leave the 99 behind.

In His Grace Forever,
Pastor Teddy Awad, CMHP
Young Adult Crisis Hotline
and Biblical Counseling Center
410-808-6483
theodoreawadjr@comcast.net
http://yacrisishotline.tripod.com/
http://youngadultcrisishotline.blogspot.com/
youngadultcrisishotline@comcast.net

This information above is from various sources and the research was done by LifeWay Research .
http://www.lifeway.com/

Follow Link for more research :

Young adults aren’t sticking with church

By Cathy Lynn Grossman – USA TODAY

To read the entire article, click here.

________

LifeWay Research Uncovers Reasons

18 To 22-Year-Olds Drop Out Of Church

By LifeWay Research Staff

To read the entire article, click here.

"Your Road Map for Life’s Transitions"

“Your Road Map

for Life’s Transitions”

1. Find refuge in Jesus Christ : Go boldly in prayer to Him, go often, go just as you are

2. Ask Jesus questions-He answers : Jesus promises to reveal Himself when we diligently seek him ( Jer29:13 )

3. Be sensitive to your personal needs : commit to healthy eating, sleeping and exercising habits ( 1 Cor 3:16-17 )

4. Stay connected : it’s easy to isolate yourself, instead reach out to others ( 1 Cor 12:26 )

5. Keep laughing : look for humor in everyday situations ( Proverbs 15:13 )

6. Be wise : align your expectations with reality

7. Open your ears : listen for Jesus’s heartbeat in the midst of your circumstances instead of resisting change

8. Be grateful : give thanks to Jesus for His many blessings each day ( Colossians 3:15 )

9. Seek guidance : seek out godly people who have gained wisdom from the same life transistion ( Proverbs 24.6 )

10. Read God’s Word : the Bible is your handbook to life, go to it for encouragement and hope, you will find it there Don’t be afraid : ( Isaiah 43:1-3 ) He has prepared your paths ( Ephesians 2:10 ) Nothing with separate you for His Love ( Ephesians 2:10 )

In His Grace Forever,

Pastor Teddy Awad

Young Adult Crisis Hotline

and Biblical Counseling Center

410-808-6483

theodoreawadjr@comcast.net

http://yacrisishotline.tripod.com/

http://youngadultcrisishotline.blogspot.com/

youngadultcrisishotline@comcast.net